Solace
by Rae1
Summary: (Complete) Matt has problems, Tai's determined to help him through. Has romance and touchy subjects, as well as language and Taito. Yaoi/Shounen-ai/Slash. Multi-part songfic.
1. Weakness

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

Author's note: I was listening to this song, and revising the Museum Kensuke, when I got to the part at the picnic where they're all sitting down to eat. I added the whole, Matt's Bulimia thing as an explanation of why Tai was being such a dumb-ass (besides the fact that he's Tai) when I decided that that little glib deserved it's own story. Rated for touch subjects and wonderfully fun cussing.

Author: Rae

Title: Solace, a song by Fuel, taken from whichever CD has Hemorrhage.

_Draw the shades and close my eyes_

_I never want to see again…_

Matt glared at the wall, wishing that the lecture would already end. He didn't need to hear, again, how loose his pants were. Or how thin he looked. He didn't need the questions about why he looked underfed, or why he seemed to lack any energy. Takeru had been in earlier, took one look at him, and asked him when he ate last. Pointing to the pizza boxes from the night before had done little to erase his concern, but he'd allowed himself to be put off for a while.

Tai wasn't as easy to get rid of. "Dammit, Matt! You can't keep going on like this! I know what's going on. You can't hide from me." His face, usually a beautiful tone of olive, was mottled with the red of his anger and frustration. Matt looked at him passively, passing from the hardness of his gorgeous brown eyes to the thickness of his unruly hair.

"I'm not hiding anything, Tai. I eat. In fact, I eat three meals a day." He wasn't lying. He wouldn't lie unless absolutely forced to. That didn't mean that he had to tell the whole truth. Saying he ate wasn't the same as saying that he kept the food down.

Brown eyes peered at him, taking in the stubborn set of his jaw, and the gaunt look to his cheeks. With a sigh, Tai sat down and leaned forward, bringing their faces closer together. He stared at his best friend, daring him to look away while he spoke. "I'm not talking about your eating habits, Yama. I don't doubt that you put food in your mouth, and swallow it down. What worries me is how long it stays there. I've been spending a few hours each day in the library at school, and I came across an interesting article. Would you like to know what it was about?" 

"Not especially. I'm supposed to be rehearsing for Friday's concert, Tai." The blonde moved to stand up, and was surprised when the flat of Tai's hand met squarely with his chest and held him in place. 

"There is no concert Friday, Matt. I'm sorry." Blue eyes narrowed, but Tai wasn't going to be intimidated. "I've talked to your father." Matt's eyes widened, and the struggle to rise became more persistent. "Please, Matt. Listen to me!" In a move to subdue his friend, he lessened his hold enough that the blonde could rise to his feet, and then he spun him around, grabbed him in a bear-hold around his arms, and pulled them both back into the chair. 

"You fucker! Damn you, Tai! You don't have the right to mess with my life this way. I'm happy damn it, and I'm not doing anything wrong!"

_I found the cost of courage high_

_Sometimes hard to pay..._

"Oh, Matt, if I could only believe that. You're killing yourself, and I can't let you do that." Tai's voice was deceptively calm, his arms tightening around his friend as he refused to give in and calm down. "I'm sorry, Matt."

"I hate you! You bastard! You-" His voice break, and he started to sob, collapsing in Tai's arms. "Why couldn't you just let me be? If you were my friend-"

"If I was your friend, I would have put a stop to this long ago. You've been killing yourself for months, Matt, and I can't watch anymore."

"Then just get the fuck out of my life!" He jerked forward, wanting to escape, needing to get away from this idiot boy who didn't understand. "I hate you!" He screamed in frustration, kicking his legs until he heard a grunt of pain. He felt satisfied, somehow, by knowing that he had hurt him, so he swung his legs again. 

"Damn it, Matt!" Tai pulled back, catching the blonde off guard, and wrapped his legs over the thin ones so that Matt was sitting in the small cocoon of Tai's body. In this position, Tai could feel nearly every jutting bone, another reminder of how thin and haggard his friend looked. He'd never been big or overly muscular before, but now he was just almost not there. His skin seemed to hang on a frame of bones, and he rarely did anything outside of his music. It had been forever since he'd had the energy to spend more than a few hours with Tai. "Please, please don't fight me, Matt."

He pleaded with him, resting his chin on one thin shoulder and whispering in his ear. "You don't understand." Matt slumped backwards, giving in.

"I understand that in my arms is a human being, one who used to be the most beautiful creature in the world to me. But now, all I see is this skeleton in his place, a zombie who has lost the life and sparkle from his eyes. I don't know why, Matt, but I know that it's not good. Please, please let me help."

"No."

"Then we're not leaving here. I've already talked to your father, like I said, and I've talked with my parents. You no longer have a choice, Matt. We're going to make sure you get better, no matter what. You can fight us all you want, but we will succeed, because we're only trying to do what's best for you. We love you."

"I hate you."

"You've already said that, and be that as it may, I'm still not going to let go of you. Please, Yamato. Please just let me help."

"FUCK! YOU!" He jerked both arms back, digging his elbows into Tai's skin. The dark one grunted, gritting his teeth against the pain. His hold didn't lessen as he closed his eyes and tried desperately to ignore the ache.

"I think you just broke something."

"Good." He didn't strike again, though, despite the bloodthirsty satisfaction in his voice. "I hope you suffer permanent damage."

"At least it's nice to see you a little more energetic." They sat in the little room, Tai with his eyes closed, concentrating on keeping his friend from harm, Matt glowering at the far wall and hoping that Tai was lying that his father would kick him out when he got home.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

_I hear the songs the sirens sing_

_Calling on the shore for me…_

"You can't be serious." Blue eyes stared incredulously at the four people in front of him. He wanted to rage about the injustice, and cry about unfairness, but he couldn't stop gaping at his family and Tai. "You want to lock us away in some cabin in the middle of nowhere for three weeks?"

Tai had his arms crossed as he leaned back against the wall. He stood at the entrance to the living room, appearing to be watching the proceedings with disinterest. In fact, he was blocking the only escape route, leaving Matt no other option than to listen to his parents and brother. "It's for you own good, love."

His mother was trying to keep her voice soft, but he could feel the underlying anger in her voice. She, like the others, wanted to shake some sense into her wayward son, but they, meaning Tai, had decided that the best way to deal with this problem was to acknowledge, show their support, and then for Matt to do things their way, meaning Tai's way. 

"I can't believe you people! So I'm a little underweight! It's not like it's anything new in the business! I'll start a new diet, and eat pizza every night."

"That only works when you're not throwing up after every meal and before each concert." Tai glared at him, brown eyes dark. "From now until necessary, I'm going to be glued to your side. I will spend each waking moment with you, and you will sleep tied to my side. Literally. We shower together, go to the bathroom together."

"Great." Blue eyes snapped in irritation, and something close to fear settled in his eyes. "You really are serious, aren't you?" He looked at his father, the man he'd lived with all of his life, and who seemed to have given his consent to whatever had already been decided. His mother was looking at him with uncertain determination, ready to agree to anything to help her oldest son. Takeru couldn't even bring himself to look at his brother. Every time he did, he took on a pitying expression and had to leave the room.

Oh, how the mighty had fallen. "We love you, Matt, and we just want you to get better."

"Right. Like locking me away with this idiot is going to suddenly cure me from a year's worth of bulimia?" He snarled the words out, and then snapped his jaw shut when he realized what he'd said.

"Finally. At least you admit that you have a problem." Four pair of eyes swiveled to look at Takeru in shock. He sat glaring at his brother, arms crossed over his chest. "Now if you'll pull your head out of your anal cavity, maybe you'll get it through your thick skull that we're doing this for your own good."

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

"Enough, both of you." Tai rolled his eyes at the brothers, intervening before the look in Takeru's eyes spelled death for the older one. "Three weeks, alone in the middle of nowhere. One outside visitor a week, bringing in food. Handcuffs to make sure you can't get away from me, and your father is picking up my hospital bill when we're done."

His voice was only half joking, and he rubbed a hand over the bruises on his sides. His ribs weren't broken, but the doctor had said that it was close. He couldn't help but wonder how he was going to survive the next three weeks, but he knew that it had to be done.

"You won't have to worry about paying the doctor, Dad. The funeral will be only to happy to take care of things when this is over." He watched in shock as his mother started laughing. "You're all crazy. Can I go to sleep, now?"

"In a minute. Tai?" His father looked at the brunette, who produced a pair of handcuffs from a back pocket. Blue eyes widened in shock as he watched his friend step forward and snap an end around his wrist, and then put the other on his own. "Good night, boys."

"Psychopaths. You're all insane."

"But you love us so well." Tai grinned maliciously as he pulled the blonde to his feet, using their joined wrists as leverage.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Day One, at the cabin.

_So sell your soul and try to fly_

_The tether still remains…_

"Everything's stocked."

"You boys take care of yourselves."

"Look after him, Tai."

"We'll be fine, people!" Tai gave the assorted group his familiar cock-sure grin. "We have food, we have a phone for emergencies, and I know where the key and safest place to hide are when he decides that he's had enough and tries to kill me."

There was a nervous laughter, everyone taking a look at the blonde who had wrapped himself into a corner of the couch the moment they'd forced him through the front door. The cabin was a simple, one-room deal, complete with a tub that wasn't covered, and a small door leading to the outhouse in the back. A cot was in another corner, made up of warm blankets. They wouldn't have to do without electricity, and since it was summer, they wouldn't have to worry about the cold.

Ms. Takaishi and Mr. Ishida escorted Tai's parents outside, leaving him to say goodbye to the younger siblings. Hikari looked up at him, her eyes sympathetic. "Take care, Tai. If you get too down, call me."

"I will, Kari. Never fear. The next three weeks are going to be a vacation. Right, Matt?" Blue eyes peered up for a moment, one golden eyebrow raising before the blonde turned away, glaring at the wall. The grin faded on Tai's place, and he looked at his sister and Takeru. "We'll manage. I love you guys."

"Thank you, Tai. For everything." Takeru hugged him quickly, stepping outside before he lost control. Tai hugged his sister, and then watched her leave. He turned to Matt, his brows drawn together.

It was going to be a long three weeks.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Still day one.

_ And all the finer things they laid upon my table_

_Smiled as the hooks were slowly sinking in…_

Tai groaned in frustration and pain, glaring down into pissed blue eyes. "You're eating, if I have to shove it down your throat!"

"Fuck you!"

"You know, you seem to say that an awful lot. Should I start taking that as an invitation?"

"Get off." The blonde's jaw clenched, and his eyes had narrowed. Tai was on the verge of making another crack when he saw the pain in their depths. He levered himself away, turning back to the stove as he let Matt take a moment to regain his composure.

"Do you want toast and butter, or grilled cheese with the soup?" Tai turned back around, gauging that he'd given the other enough time. The rest of the cabin was empty. He looked by the front door, not surprised to see two pair of shoes. The back door was ajar.

He sat the pan down slowly, turning the burner off. He put his shoes on, hurrying with each passing second. He grabbed the top comforter from the bed and ran out the door, shutting it behind him. He paused for a moment, and then heard thrashing in the distance to his right. He started off at a jog, then an all-out run.

It took him five minutes of solid running to catch sight of Matt's fleeing back. The blonde was limping slightly, pushing himself forward through trees and underbrush. Tai hurtled a fallen log, grinning as his prey turned around and gasped. He took advantage of his momentary hesitation to leap forward and drag him to the ground, turning his body at the last second so that he took most of the impact.

"Tai! Damn it!" They wrestled on the ground, but it was short lived, Tai gaining the upper hand in less than a minute and sitting on Matt's stomach. "I hate you."

"I'm starting to believe it." Tai stood up, quickly pulling his friend up with him. He wrapped the blanket around him tightly, securing it by tucking it into itself. Blue eyes stared at him in shock. "What do you expect? I can't get you to listen to me. If you want to do this the hard way, you can stay trussed up for the next three weeks."

"Tai-"

"Don't, Matt. I really don't want to here it. You hate me; I should go fuck myself, etc. I got the point." He grabbed the topmost fold, and started them back in the direction of the cabin. "At this rate, I'll have to reheat lunch."

"I'm sorry." Matt's voice was small, and his head was bowed as much as he could manage within the blanket.

"It's okay, Matt. We have time yet. We'll work through everything, don't you worry." Tai's voice was bright with an optimism that he was far from feeling. It took them a considerable time to reach the cabin again, and by the time they made it through the door, part of Tai's anger had returned. "Dammit, Matt!" He unwrapped the blanket with as much speed and gentleness he could, focusing his attention on his friend. He pushed the blonde down onto the bed, and knelt beside him, looking at the bloodied soles of his feet. "Why couldn't you at least grab your shoes?"

"I didn't think." Blue eyes looked down with confusion. Dark hands brushed some of the dirt and grass away, before Tai stood up and wet a rag. He was back within seconds, washing the bottom of Matt's feet, hand tender where it held his ankle.

The brunette looked up with a sad smile. "I'm not surprised. However, if you feel the need to run hell for high water again, please let me know ahead of time so that we can both dress properly for a chase through the woods. Matt looked at him thoughtfully, eyes narrowed. "Come on. I'll reheat dinner, and we can eat. Couple of hours left before night. Maybe we can play a card game. I brought a couple decks, that way you can storm away from me and play solitaire."

~~~~~_____~~~~~

"Tai, this isn't enough to feed a small child." Matt looked down at the small portion in his bowl, and then at Tai's who had half the contents of a family size can of chicken and stars.

"Did I tell you that I found an interesting article?" Tai spoke over the question, seemingly ignoring it. "It was about the after effects and treatment of some bulimic patients. It said something about how, after a long time of being used to throwing up after binging, the body will keep doing it, without the mind's input. And, since you've been throwing up for, oh, months? I figured that feeding you a large amount of food would simply cause you to throw the whole thing back up. If I feed you in increments, spanned throughout the day, then your body won't protest."

Matt looked at him, blonde eyebrows drawn together. "That's good thinking." He spoke grudgingly, dipping into the soup hesitantly. "What is it?"

"Chicken and Stars." Tai wolfed his own down quickly, slurping his soup loudly as he covered for the lack of conversation. When they were done, he picked the bowls up, and carried them to the sink. He sat back down, leaning back in his chair and staring at the ceiling. They didn't talk, neither really knowing what to say. 

"So." Matt tried awkwardly, chewing his bottom lip. He couldn't remember ever feeling this uneasy round his friend before, and that thought hurt. He couldn't remember ever envisioning a time when he and Tai couldn't communicate freely. "Dating anyone?"

"No." Tai shrugged, bringing his gaze back to rest on his friend, lips curling. "Are you still seeing that Alicia girl?"

"No. She lasted a week, and then annoyed me. Took it pretty well. She's dating the drummer's cousin." Matt spoke bitterly. "I don't think that she cared whether she went out with me or anyone else, as long as she got some."

"By some, I'm assuming that you mean sex?" His grin threatened to turn into a frown, but he shook it off as Matt nodded. "Oh, well. I'm guessing that she didn't hurt you much, either?"

"No." They floundered in the silence for a few minutes, the conversational wagon slipping by without either picking up the cue. "So, whatever happened with Mimi? Didn't you date her for a while?"

"We went out on one date, but we both knew that we needed to be friends and nothing more. I was just basically covering for some jerk that stood her up."

"No one since?" Blue eyes studied his friend, and the realization was born on him that he had grown very distant from the teen in front of him.

"Nope. I don't date." He said it simply, the half-smile playing on his lips again. "Everything I want in my life is in my life. I haven't the need for more."

"Don't you get lonely?" He couldn't help himself, the question escaped before he could think twice.

"You date all the time, Matt, and I think that you're the loneliest person that I know. I have my friends and my family, and I'm content."

"I have all the same, and yet you think that I feel lonely?"

"I know you do, I see it in your eyes. You push everyone away, Matt, especially lately. You're building barriers between you and the world and shutting everyone out." He frowned, eyes darkening. "I'm not going to let you do that to me, Matt. I can't leave you alone. I refuse."

"I didn't ask for you to interfere in my life, Tai. I was happy with the way things were."

"Really? So happy that you're slowly killing yourself, day after day? Real believable, Yamato." They glared at each other over the surface of the table, daring each other to try another attack. Matt's eyes widened, and he placed his hands over his stomach. He made a choking sound and stood up, running toward the door before Tai could comprehend what was happening.

He grabbed a clean washcloth, and a bottle of water from the mini-fridge, and followed the blonde out the door. "Matt?" He heard a gagging noise to the left, and rounded the corner to find his friend kneeling beside the outhouse, his body trembling as he threw up. "Yamato?" He knelt beside him, smoothing his hair back with one hand while he rubbed his back with the other. The blonde continued to throw up, the food being forced from his stomach in heaves.

It subsided a few minutes later, leaving a weak and trembling Matt to lean back against the brunette as he held a bottle of water to his lips. He settled back against Tai's chest, the dark arms wrapping around him to hold the water and wipe at his face. "I'm sorry." Tai shushed him, rubbing his arm in a signal to relax. "Really, Tai. I didn't mean to-"

"Yamato, I know. I believe you. If nothing else, you don't want anyone to see you do this, so I have no doubt that this was an accident. Just relax. We'll give you a few minutes, and then we'll head back inside. I'll make you half a sandwich, and we'll make sure that you follow it down with lots of water."

"Gods, this is so embarrassing." He tried to chuckle, but started coughing again, and Tai let him take the bottle of water and tip it back himself. "Let's go in. I'm tired of the whole nature scene already." He let his friend help him to his feet, but refused to be assisted while walking back to the cabin.

"Think of the bright side. At least it's only me, and not my sister and her camera."

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Day one, midnight

Tai jerked awake, feeling something tug at his arm. He narrowed his eyes in the dark, trying to find the source of that slight pain. There was a warm body next to him, and he was curled against it's back. "Yama." He sighed, moving his left arm so that it was under the other teen, and they could both lay down semi-comfortably. He didn't know what had made him hook their left arms together. He'd have to remember to do opposite arms tomorrow night, or neither one of them would get any sleep.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

_Another pill I'm to consume_

_To make me feel again…_
    
    Day two, morning

"Get up, Taichi! I have to go to the bathroom, and I don't know what you did with the key!" Someone punched him on the shoulder, and he winced, trying to bury his head further into the pillows. "Come on, Tai! Get a move on!" Someone shook him, and finally got his attention as he almost slipped off the body.

"What the hell? Gods, Matt, do you think that you could be anymore cheerful this morning?"

"Get up. I have to take a leak, and I can't do that from here!" The brunette groaned, picking himself carefully from the floor so that he wouldn't pull on Matt's arm. "Hurry up, please!" The blonde was glaring at him desperately, eyes impatient.

He searched for the key, finding it in the front pocket of his pajama pants. He unhooked their wrists, and watched as the blonde raced out of the cabin. He sat back down on the bed, holding his head in his hands as he waited for Matt to come back. It had been a long and fitful night, full of dreams that he didn't need, and thoughts that he could do nothing with.

"What's your problem?" Matt stared at him from the doorway, looking refreshed, and ready to start the day. "You look like you didn't sleep at all last night."

"I'm not used to having my arm go numb from being under someone else."

"That's your fault. You wouldn't let me say anything last night, so I figure that you can suffer with the pain and discomfort."

"Thanks, pal. I appreciate you concern." He yawned, and stretched his arms above his head to relieve the residual stiffness. "I'll make breakfast after I go to the bathroom. Get whatever you want out of the fridge, and set the table, please."

"You're going to be doing all of the cooking?"

"Yeah. I figure that, since you're stuck here without a choice, the least that I could do is make this trip as unmiserable as possible."

"I don't think that unmiserable is a word, but I do appreciate it, Tai." Tai grinned, moving by him. He closed his eyes, leaning against the frame. He hadn't dared to take too much time in the outhouse, lest the brunette come searching for him. He wasn't as awake as he had pretended to be. With a tired sigh, he eyed the bed, weighing his chances of getting back to sleep. "Vacation, right?" 

He walked toward it and lay down, settling on Tai's edge and curling into a ball. He sniffed the pillow, smiling when he smelled Tai's scent and the warmth of his body pervaded his senses. The door opened, but he didn't open his eyes. "If I had known that you wanted my side of the bed, I wouldn't have moved."

"You mean that you would have stayed on the floor?"

"Shut up, lazy ass. I take this to mean that you don't want breakfast?"

"Not right now."

"Fine. I'm going to play cards while you nap." The blonde grinned, snuggling into the blankets and letting his body relax. Tai moved around in the room, the noise becoming indistinct as he settled into sleep. Brown eyes regarded the sleeping figure, moving from lips to eyelash, to neck, and back to lips. "So beautiful." 

He resisted the urge to touch, sitting down on the floor beside the bed, the unopened cards at his side as he stared at his friend.

~~~~~_____~~~~~ 

Day two, mid-evening, post dinner

"This sucks." Matt glared mournfully out the window.

"We can play cards." Tai smiled encouragingly, and held out a deck. Blue eyes looked from the cards to him with disdain. "Come on, you can choose which game we play."

"No thanks." His voice was cold as he turned back to staring out the window. "I'm not bulimic."

"Huh?" Tai looked up from the floor, his brows drawn together in confusion.

"I'm not bulimic. I don't force myself to throw up. Any more, I just can't keep anything down. Like today. I don't have a choice, I just can't help it."

"It's a side effect of starting it. You're body becomes so adjusted to purging itself, it automatically takes over for your brain." Matt was still staring through the window, his face effectively hidden from the brunette. Tai licked his lips, not knowing how to continue the conversation.

"I'm not weak, Tai."

"I know you're not, Yama. I know." The blonde's head drooped, his chin settling against his chin, his eyes closed tightly, though Tai couldn't see him. "You're a fighter, Matt, and you don't give up. We'll fight this together. You know that Sue, the guidance counselor, always says that 'when the mind talks, the body listens.'"

Matt gave a watery chuckle and turned his head to look at his best friend. "I thought you hated her, especially when she accused you of malingering." Tai rolled his eyes, but grinned good-naturedly, leaning for.

"She's not so bad, especially since I got myself into trouble by agreeing. How was I to know what it meant?"

"You should have listened to me. I was trying to tell you to deny it." Blue eyes were filled with humor, and Tai could only blink at him dumb-founded, staring into the face of a person he hadn't really seen for months. "Of course, you never listen to me." The blonde turned his head away, raising a hand to the glass of the window. "Can we go for a walk?"

"Of course." Tai stood up eagerly, upsetting the cards that he'd gotten out to play with, leaving them scattered on the floor, forgotten.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Day two, night

"I don't want the handcuffs, Tai." Blue eyes glared into brown defiantly. Tai put a hand on his hip, the other holding the cuffs lightly, letting them dangle along the length of his leg. "Trust me, please?"

Tai wavered, chewing his bottom lip as he thought about it. In the end, he shook his head, smiling regretfully as he held out his hand again. "I'm sorry, Matt. A couple more days, and maybe."

"Fuck you!" Matt glared at him, shock and hurt showing clearly on his face. "You bastard! And you say we're friends! You don't even trust me!" He started across the cabin away from the bed. Tai wilted, his shoulders drooping in defeat, his eyes closing tiredly. Behind him, the sound of shoes being thrown around and slipped on alerted him to the fact that Matt was going to try to run for it, again.

"You're not going out, Matt." Tai walked toward him with determination, glaring at him with resignation. Matt saw the look and peered around quickly, trying to discern the best route or escape. The back door was out, because Tai was standing between him and it. The front door would have to do, if he could get to there and unlock it before Tai caught hold.

He lunged swiftly, trying to use surprise as an advantage. He grabbed the doorknob with one hand, reaching for the bolt with the other. A pair of arms wrapped around him, pulling him backwards. He struggled and the sound of heavy breath and cursing filled the air. "Let. Go!"

Matt jerked forward, throwing of Tai's momentum as he tried to lead him toward the bed. They stumbled and almost fell. At the last moment, Tai pushed Matt onto the bed, and hit the ground, hard, with his knees. He grimaced with pain, ready to jump up at a moment's notice to resume the struggle, but the blonde stayed on the bed, curling into a ball as he started to cry.

"I hate you." Tai sighed, his own tears beginning to well up, threatening to overwhelm him. He turned his back to the bed, and leaned against it, drawing his legs to his chest.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Day three, morning

Tai opened his eyes, blinking groggily around at the unfamiliar interior. He closed them again, moaning as he shifted slightly, feeling his back protest his position on the floor. "Two mornings in a row. That has to be a record." He leaned forward on his hands, intending to push himself to his feet. Behind him, a body stirred. On two feet again, he looked down at the sleeping form in the bed. He smiled slightly, watching the way blonde hair curled around a face angelic in sleep. "Beautiful."

He swallowed hard and moved away, stretching stiffly. His back cracked, and he sighed in pleasure.

"I am never sleeping on the floor again." He vowed to the room at large as he set about making breakfast. The sun was peeking through the window, and he knew that it would only be a matter of time before Matt woke up. He hummed under his breath, the low noise eventually making its way into a full-voice song that woke the sleeping body.

Matt jerked into a sitting position, eyes wide as he tried to figure out what sort of hideous beast had woken him up. His eyes settled on a cheery brunette standing across the room from him, and he glared. He threw the blankets aside and stood up, striding across the room silently. He looked around, his eyes settling on the nearest usable object he could find.

The singer spun around, spatula in his hand, and Matt took the advantage, shoving a slice of bread into the open mouth. The noise stopped instantly, and Tai looked at him in shock, eyes wide. "You are not an alarm clock." He glared some more to make sure that he'd gotten his voice across and then he stomped back to the bed, lay down, and turned toward the wall.

A dark hand pushed the bread the rest of the way in, chewing thoughtfully as he turned back to cooking. 

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Day three, afternoon

_Is followed by another one _

_To make me feel the same_

Tai leaned back against a tree, and glared at a butterfly as it landed on a nearby flower. Summer in the mountains was beautiful, it really was. That thought didn't cheer him up any, and only served to contrast his day. He had hoped, rather foolishly, yes, but had hoped nonetheless that Matt would be in a better mood when he actually woke up. No such luck.

For breakfast, he cuffed the blonde to a chair and spoon-fed him cereal, the eggs he had cooked being thrown back at him in a fit of rage. Their trip to the bathroom took thirty minutes, with Tai spending twenty of those minutes chasing the blonde, and then another five holding his hair back as he threw up. Apparently, Tai had fed him more than his body could handle at the time. 

Back inside for a slice of bread, something to calm his stomach. That led to two hours of being ignored or told repeatedly that he was hated. Lunch was a trying matter, with Matt eating a bite every five minutes. After sitting with him for an hour and a half to make sure that everything went down okay, they had to head back out to the outhouse.

Which leads to where they are now, traipsing through the woods, one running, and the other in pursuit. Matt was yelling obscenities at every living and nonliving thing, and Tai was left to chase after him, barely missing him and being thwarted at the last minute by a branch swinging back his way. Two days of eating and wearing shoes obviously lent the blonde enough strength to run for hours.

"Aw, fuck! Tai?" The brunette looked up in surprise as the object of his thoughts called his name. "Tai? Answer me!" His voice was higher; worry lending it a shrill tone.

"I'm coming, Matt." He could have stayed silent and let him panic, but who knew what situation he'd gotten into. He moved through the trees, stepping over limbs, branches, and flowers. He found Matt stuck in the middle of a group of briars, his ankle firmly wedged between two trees.

Blue eyes glared at him helplessly. He walked closer, chewing his bottom lip as he thought of the easiest way to get the blonde out of his current predicament. 

"You're going to have to help me get you out, Matt. I'm going to untie your shoe, and see if we can't slip your foot out. Then we'll rescue your shoe and head back."

"Fine." his voice was grudging, and he looked away when Tai knelt in front of him to reach for the laces of his tennis shoes. Tai clenched his jaw and squared his shoulders as he stooped forward to work Matt's foot free. The angle he had to work with left him with his head at an even level to the zipper on the blonde's pants.

It took him a minute, and several times he almost stopped when the blonde had to readjust his position due to the strain on his free leg. "Almost there. Give me a second, and then try pulling your foot free."

He stood up and held his hand out. Matt took it, and tried to lever his foot free. Tai pulled, and he felt his foot sliding out of the sneaker. At the last possible second, the dirt under Tai's feet gave out, and he began falling backwards, taking Matt with him. They ended up sprawled on the ground, legs tangled and breathless.

The silence held for several moments, until Matt groaned and buried his face against Tai's chest. "Why does this week keep getting worse and worse?" He gave a breathless laugh. "Maybe we should take this as a sign and go home."

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Day three, evening

"We're fine. Yes, mother, I'm okay, and I'm taking care of Matt." Tai rolled his eyes as he tried to placate the woman on the phone. From his seat on the bed, curled against the wall, Matt simply watched him, his face unreadable. "Just a moment."

Tai held the phone away from his ear and held it out to Matt.

"Your mother wants to talk to you."

"Tell her I jumped off of a cliff." He turned his face away, his body tense. It had been several hours since their return from the woods, and he was in no better of a mood. Tai frowned at him, but obediently put the phone back to his ear.

"Sorry, Ms. Takaishi. He's still at the outhouse. I'll call again in a few days and you can talk to him then. Right. I understand. Of course." He listened for a moment more, staring at his friend as he gave her half of his attention.

"You love him, don't you, Tai?"

"You know I do."

"And you'll take good care of my baby?"

"Of course I will. You know that."

"I'm so glad that you're still friends, Tai. I don't know what we'd do without you."

"That's something that you'll never have to worry about, Mom." He smiled as they said goodbye and hung up. He turned a dark look on the blonde, noting the lack of expression in his eyes. "That wasn't very nice."

"Fuck off."

"That's a new one, Matt." He put the lock back on the cell phone and turned it off, returning it to the shelf by the door. "Why don't you try coming up with something original."

"I'm so sorry, Tai, that my lack of originality offends you."

"Can I ask you, please, what goes through your head? Why are you always such an asshole? I'm trying to keep you from killing yourself. I didn't really expect gratitude, but I sure as hell didn't expect you to put up such a fight."

"I didn't ask for help, Tai!" He turned blazing eyes to the brunette, his voice raised in anger.

"I know that, Matt. But you have to admit that your lifestyle isn't healthy. Why are you so obstinate about getting better? I want my best friend back, and you're not helping me at all!"

"I don't want to be the person I was! Why can't you understand that?" Tai snapped his mouth shut, closing his eyes against the pain he was feeling and seeing. "I don't want the life I had, Tai. I wanted things I could never have, and kept having dreams of a way of life that I can never achieve. I'm so tired of it all. I just want things to change so that I can be happy."

Brown eyes met blue. "Does the thought of cutting me out of your life make you happy?" His question was met with silence. He turned away, hiding the silent tears that slipped down his face.

"Think about it, Tai. Wouldn't a life without me be so much easier? None of the fighting, no sick little Matt to go save. Wouldn't things be better?" He was sincere, his voice so achingly wistful that Tai was compelled to turn back to face him.

Matt's eyes widened at the tear tracks that stained his cheeks. "I've never wanted you out of my life, Yamato. I've never wanted to lose you." He swallowed, trying to alleviate the huskiness of his voice. Being in your life is the only thing I've ever wanted."

He shook his head, blinking as more tears slipped down his face. He made no move to stop the flow or hide it. "Everything I want in my life is in my life." With those words, he turned and left, walking silently across the cabin and shutting the door behind him with equal quiet.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

 Day four, noon

Matt shuffled the cards slowly, his thoughts whirling in his mind. Tai hadn't returned for several hours the night before, leaving him worried and upset. When the brunette finally came in, Matt had been lacing his shoes in preparation of finding him.

They had settled down to sleep, the handcuffs forgotten on the floor next to the bed. They had lain awake long into the night, meaning they didn't wake up till late morning. Tai had been quiet since then, making breakfast and playing cards without any conversation whatsoever. 

When Matt had gotten up to go to the bathroom, his friend hadn't even spared him a glance, so lost in his own contemplations. He'd been gone for a long time, waiting outside to see if he would rush out to find him. He'd gone back inside to find him starting another game of solitaire.

And so the day went.

~~~~~______~~~~~

Day five, morning

Tai rolled out of bed slowly, his normal vigor lost someplace in the sadness and pain that lurked under his bland exterior. In all the scenarios that he had envisioned, losing his friend for 'change' had never figured in. He didn't know how to accept the thought and move on. He had steeled himself for rough waters, but actually losing Matt…

The thought had never come to him.

He sat on the edge of the bed and cupped his head in his hands. His head hurt, whether from his thoughts or a restless night he couldn't be sure. "Tai?" Behind him, the bedcovers stirred, and he turned to find blue eyes blinking at him in sleepy confusion.

"What's up?" After a day of almost complete silence, hearing the blonde say his name was bittersweet. "Do you need something?"

"No. I was just out of it for a minute." He shook his head, his blonde hair standing on end. Tai smiled slightly at the sight, watching as the morning sun framed the other boy, making a hazy glow about him. "Are you okay?"

"Headache." He shrugged dismissively. "What do you want for breakfast?" The day before, despite the tension and lack of communication, had gone rather well, leaving him feeling a little better about the blonde's health.

"I'll make it." He volunteered, moving to sit even with him. He touched Tai's arm before the brunette could argue or get up. "I'm sorry about the other day. You are my best friend, Tai, and I honestly don't know what I'd do without you." He smiled. "You're always there when I need you, and I appreciate that."

"That's what friends are for, Yama." He placed a dark hand over the pale one on his arm, smiling in response. 

"I don't think I would have noticed if something was wrong with you, Tai. I was so absorbed in my own life." His smile turned sad, drawing down at the corners. "There were so many times that I felt so alone, and I thought that no one cared. The...purging..."

Tai didn't speak. To show his support, he reached his free hand out and lifted Matt's chin, bringing his gaze to his.

"A while ago, I overheard some of the girls that follow the band. They were talking about me and saying things about how cute I was. Then one of them said that it was a shame that I was putting on so much weight, and talking about how we'd lose our fan base when I turned...ugly."

He swallowed hard, jerking his chin in Tai's grasp in an attempt to look away. Tai removed his hand from his hand to frame his face, meeting his gaze squarely. "Why didn't you come to me?"

"Because I didn't think you'd understand. You don't let people affect you, Tai. You're independent. I've become so immersed in the band, that if I didn't have it, I don't know what I'd do. It's become my whole life." Dark fingers tucked his hair back, running gently across his temple. "Then the costume designer told one of the others that she was going to have to take the seams of my outfit out."

"You trust me, don't you, Yama?" Tai watched his eyes intensely, waiting for his nod of confirmation. When it came, he smiled tenderly, bringing his face closer and softening his voice. "You will never be ugly, Yama, no matter what. And if ever, ever, you need to talk with someone who believes in you absolutely, come to me."

Matt smiled, closing his eyes as he absorbed Tai's warmth. Soft breathing wafted over his chin and lips as the hands holding his face moved so that they were tilting his face forward.

With regret, Tai pulled back, feeling his heart ache. "I'll always be here for you, Yama. Never doubt that."

"I don't." He opened his eyes as the feeling of heat slowly left him. He withdrew his hand, where it had stayed on Tai's arm during the whole of the exchange. He stood up, moving to the kitchen area. "What do you want for breakfast?"

"Anything's fine, as long as I don't have to cook. While you start that, I'm going to head to the outhouse. Turn the phone on, will you? Somebody should be calling today. The lock code is the same as always."

 Matt smiled as he obeyed, turning the phone on a mere second before it rang. "Hello?"

"Matt? Is everything okay?" His father's worry carried over the distance, causing his son to smile.

"Everything's fine, Dad. Tai went to the bathroom and told me to turn the phone on. We were just making breakfast." He took out a pan, and opened the fridge, moving the half-finished milk out of the way to find the eggs. "Hey, are you guys coming up anytime soon? We're almost out of milk and eggs. We can live off of the canned food, but I'd rather not."

There was a hesitation over the wire. "Of course. We were planning on driving up tomorrow. Is there anything else you guys need?" Matt looked up as Tai came in.

"Dad wants to know if we need anything else."

"Eggs, milk, bread, and some ice cream would be great."

"Some bread and a malt cup for Mr. Yagami." Matt smiled. "How about clean clothes, and my guitar?"

"The clothes I can do. The guitar you'll have to clear with Tai." Matt raised an eyebrow.

"Just a second." He handed the phone to Tai. "Tell my father I can have my guitar and my music folder."

"Hey, Pops. Go ahead and bring it up. We could use some distraction. Yeah, that's fine, too." A pause on their end. "Of course, if you want. I don't think it will be problem. Probably do some good, actually. Sure. Sounds good, see ya then."

"What's up?"

"Nothing. They'll be up tomorrow afternoon."

"Any chance of going home?" Tai frowned. The blonde didn't look very hopeful. In fact, he would almost say that he sounded as if he dreaded the prospect.

 ~~~~~_____~~~~~

Day five, afternoon

_God if I could recognize_

_The things to make me whole again_

"I haven't felt this good in a long time." Matt threw a rock into the water, watching as it splashed and sent ripples along the surface. "How far down do you think the ripples go? They spread all across the lake, but are they felt below the surface?"

Tai watched him with a half smile, listening as he asked odd questions and commented on anything that came to mind. It seemed like aimless rambling, but he knew it was simply Matt's way of coming back to the present and organizing everything that had been happening in his life.

"Bulimia is a disease, you know. It goes with a disorder called something like 'body dimorphic disorder'. It's where a person obsesses unreasonably over a specific characteristic or on a defect to the point that it consumes them and takes over their whole life."

Blue eyes reflected the noontime sun. 

"I don't think I have that. I know that there's something wrong, but it's not like it's something I can put my finger on. I'm just displeased over all with my life, and I want to change things. I thought that by losing weight and meeting new people, I would feel...fulfilled."

"What happened?"

"I got a fucked deal." He bent to retrieve another rock, and sent it after the last. "Literally. Slept with too many girls to count. There was a guy I almost slept with, but he ended up passing out before we could...you know. I kept coming up feeling empty. Nothing helped. And everyday, I just felt worse and worse, as if the world didn't care that I was falling apart on the inside."

"I'm sorry."

"You did what you could, Tai. Look at this!" He spread his arms wide and turned around to face the brunette. "Who else would have done this for me? No one, Tai. Nobody but you. Only you." 

"You misjudge your friends, Matt. Others have noticed, but they didn't know what to do. We've always been closer, I think. I couldn't stand by and do nothing. It would have killed me to let you go."

"Thank you. I know that I've been a real bastard, and I'm sorry. Of course, you forgive me."

"Why 'of course'?"

"Because you'd forgive me anything." They smiled at each other. 

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Day six, afternoon

"It's about dang time you guys got here." Tai put his hands on his hips, mock-glaring at the assembled crowd in front of him. Ms. Takaishi and Mr. Ishida poured out of one car, followed by Takeru and an unexpected Daisuke. The Yagami family disengaged themselves from a second vehicle. "What took you all so long?"

"Don't be cheeky, boy." His father glared at him, taking his wife's arm as he helped her up the rough path to the cabin. "Did you forget in the past week that it takes three hours to drive up here?"

"Only when you drive, Dad." He took the playful slug to his arm with a grin, reaching out to hug his parents. "You should have put Mom behind the wheel. You would have been here an hour and a half ago."

"But we wanted to arrive in one piece, son." His mother swatted at them both, rolling her eyes.

"Boys." She said the word with as much disdain as she could without grinning. "Where's the other one?"

"Right here, ma'am." Matt stepped out from the cabin looking calm and serene. His eyes glowed when he spotted his parents, and he stepped forward to embrace them both. It was the first time in months that he showed them any attention. Takeru was no exempt from his affection, receiving a hug and a pat on the back. "It's good to see you guys."

"Oh, honey." His mother sniffled while the men in her family tried to appear unaffected. Takeru grinned up at his brother, unabashed to show his pleasure in his brother's progress. 

"You look good."  A non-threatening probe.

"Eating decently will do that. What brings Goggle-boy out this way?" He turned to Daisuke, who was standing back from the families and trying to avoid calling their attention to him. "Hey, Dais."

"Hey, Matt. What's up?" The blonde shrugged, stepping back from his brother so that the others could get past them and in the door. "I hope it's okay if I'm here."

"It's a little too late to avoid that, Dai." Takeru rolled his eyes. "He stowed away in Dad's car. We didn't know he was there until we stopped for food. He was hungry and smelled what we had."

The redhead grinned sheepishly. "I about gave you dad a heart attack when I jumped out of the back and grabbed his fries. You should have seen how red his face got."

"He's lucky that his little stunt didn't drive us off the road." Mr. Ishida glared at the boy, unamused by the sorry pout he wore. "If he wasn't a friend of Takeru's, I would have dumped him on the side of the road."

"No, you wouldn't have." Ms. Takaishi rolled her eyes. "He only wanted to show his concern for our concern." Matt turned to Tai and raised an eyebrow, as if to say 'they're at it again'.

"Come on, guys. You can check out our humble little abode, and make sure that we're okay."

"If we didn't have complete faith in you boys, you wouldn't be up here, Matt dear." Mrs. Yagami smoothed his hair back in a maternal gesture, smiling at him tenderly. Not to be outdone, Ms. Takaishi hugged him again, squeezing until Tai intervened at seeing the panicked and breathless look on his face.

"Why don't we unload the cars, and then take a tour? I think everyone checked the place out when we got up here." Tai moved forward and smoothly extricated Matt from his mother's grip, earning him a grateful smile and a silent thanks.

"I missed you, Tai."

"I missed you, too, Kari."

"What about me?"

"Shut up, Dais."

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Day six, late afternoon

Matt leaned against the wall of the cabin and stared at the sky. Beside him, Takeru wore an identical expression. Through the wall of the cabin, they could hear their parents' voices, loud and angry, as they fought with each other. The Yagami's had left twenty minutes before, leaving Matt's family and Daisuke to take the rest of the dirty clothes and refuge back down.

The redhead and Tai had wondered off to see something, leaving Matt and Takeru in the care of their parents. It had taken all of five minutes for an argument to break out, and the boys had run as fast as they could for the door, making their escape before things escalated into violence and they were caught in the middle of it.

"Matt?" Two pair of blue eyes looked up at Tai and Dais approached. "Are they fighting again?" Seven years of friendship, and Tai had come along only one year after the bitter divorce trials ended. He knew the whole story, and had seen first hand some of the ugliness. 

"As always." Matt spoke bitterly, turning to glare sullenly at the trees. Tai stopped in front of him, studied his face for an instant, and then stalked into the house. A moment later, silence seemed to descend over the three boys left outside, and then Tai's voice could be heard, punctuating the stillness.

Matt licked his lips and sighed, then headed for the door; ready to hold Tai back from beating some sense into his parents. Daisuke looked at Takeru. "I'm sorry that I caused so many problems on the way up here."

"Don't worry about it, Dais. My father will get over it, and my mother thought it was funny." Takeru shrugged, taking it all in stride. He didn't like it when they fought, but, thankfully, he didn't have to suffer through such scenes often and could handle it well. He'd been well guarded to the fighting that had occurred during the wedding.

Daisuke leaned back against the wall, listening through the wood as Tai continued to lecture the adults inside. "When do you think your brother will figure it out?"

"As soon as Tai bothers to tell him, I imagine." The blonde didn't even bother to pretend that he didn't understand.

"I bet you that he tells him before they come back down. Or at least before his next concert."

"I doubt it. He'll probably wait until he thinks that Matt's stable enough, and that could take years."

"I bet you not."

"You're on." Takeru smiled. "What's my prize when I win?"

The redhead shrugged. "Don't worry about that. We'll figure out what you're going to do after I win. Don't worry, TF, I won't be that mean."

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Day six, evening

Matt watched as the taillights faded, watching the last sign of his family until they disappeared into the trees. Beside him, Tai stood guard with him, his company  supportive. The scene inside had been over relatively quick, as far as he could remember from the ones that had happened years before. 

Having an angry Tai yell about responsibility and maturity had worked as a good damper to cool their anger, and it had taken minimal yelling and coercion to ready them to go home while leaving Matt in his care for the agreed upon three weeks.

"Thank you."

"For what?" Tai tilted his head to the side.

"For making them let me stay. I really didn't look forward to a car ride with the two of them squabbling the entire way. I only feel bad for Takeru."

"Don't. Daisuke will take care of him and keep him occupied, as well as your dad. He gives him a different outlet." He scratched his arm. "Let's go back inside."

"How did you get to be the way you are, Tai?"

"Luck and genetics. We can't help the way we're raised, but we can learn to find ways to rise above." He answered philosophically. "Of course, it helps if we have great and wonderfully understanding friends around."

Matt laughed, following him inside. "You are, Tai. Great and wonderful, that is."

"Why thank you, Yama."

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Day seven, morning

_And draw this air into my lungs_

_Remember how to breathe_

Matt yawned and scratched his head, shuffling his feet as he made his way to the outhouse. It was all well and great to stay up half the night at home, and sleep late into the day, but in the middle of the woods, sleeping next to a window that lacked a curtain was about as conducive to late mornings as it was to early days.

He stopped next to the small building and leaned against the wall with a groan. He should have known that Tai would beat him to it. "Hurry."

"I'm trying." Tai sounded as frustrated as the blonde sounded impatient. "Whose idea was it to eat burritos at eight o'clock at night?"

"Don't blame me. You were the one that put them on the shopping list. Actually, blame Dad. He was the one that packed them."

"I'll blame you since he's not here."

"Right, blame me for all of his mistakes." The door opened, and he pushed away from the wall. Serious brown eyes met his.

"I don't even blame you for your mistakes, Yama. Why would I blame you for his?"

"Don't even try to butter me up this early in the morning." He pushed past the brunette with a tired grunt. "It's too damn early to deal with chipper, flattering people who pave the road to hell."

"Glad to see you adapting so well to being up in the morning, Matt." Tai walked away with a chuckle, humming under his breath. They had stayed up until the wee hours of the night, talking about Matt's music and going through some of the songs in his folder. He felt closer to the blonde than he had in a long time and it left him feeling whole.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Day eight, noon

"What is in this?" Matt stared into his soup apprehensively, brow furrowed as he moved the chunks in the broth with his spoon. "Are you sure it's edible?"

"Eat it." Tai smiled in good humor, letting the little barbs about his cooking slide. "You'll eat it, and you'll like it, or I'm making you eat dirt."

"You wouldn't." Matt's voice was half outrage and half cockiness. Tai laughed evilly. "Don't even think about it, freak. I know how to take you down, and I'm feeling feisty enough and strong enough to do just that."

"I'd like to see you try it, stick-pin." Tai waved his spoon in defense, laughing when Matt tapped his own against it. "On guard, beanpole."

"Let's go, nest boy."

Tai paused. "What's that supposed to mean?"

The blonde sighed in defeat and dipped his spoon in his soup. "It was a reference to your hair, soccer freak. It's no fun if I have to explain myself."

"Sorry."

"It's okay."

"You can try again later."

"I don't know if you'll get it then, either. You're not too terribly smart, Tai."

"I'll try, Matt, really I will."

~~~~~_____~~~~~

End Note: I'm ending it here because it's already 22 pages, and 10,000 words long. If anyone else wants to read the rest, either review and hurry me along, or hold your horses and wait like all good, patient little people.

_For as the curtain rose I danced as I was able_

_Felt my deception slowly sinking in_

_And so I turn to you my love_

_For the solace that is there_

_And offer any cherished thing_

_For a slight reprieve_

_I hoped that you might find me here again_

_And I could learn to smile again_

_And as a balm for these wounds_

_Take away the sting_

_And as the band did play your body I did cradle_

_I should have known that song would have to end_


	2. Healing

Day eighteen, nearing midnight__

_For as the curtain rose I danced as I was able_

_Felt my deception slowly sinking in_

Under the starry sky, the forest was alive with the sound of nocturnal beasts on the prowl and smaller animals searching for food. The wind blew through the leaves, rustling them gently. Amidst the noise of the wilderness was a different noise, something more familiar and recognizable. 

"Come out, come out, wherever you are!" Tai called, leaning against a tree as he got his breath back. He tried to listen for the sound of footsteps in the woods, but the sound of his heart overrode most everything else. Suddenly, he heard a twig snap to his left, and he was off again, darting through the trees in the dangerous shadows created by the light of the moon. He heard a laugh, and he lunged to the right, his fingers brushing against cotton fabric before Matt moved out of reach again.

"What's the matter, Tai? Can't catch me?" The voice was behind him, but when he turned, he could barely make out the shape of Matt fleeing in the other direction. He gave chase, his footsteps and heavy breathing following close behind Matt's breathless form. They had been running for nearly an hour, playing tag in the dark of the woods. In a few short days, they knew that they would have to go home and face the world, so they were taking the time to grow closer and tighten the bond of friendship that held them together.

"Gotcha!" Tai lunged forward, his fingers once again brushing the material of Matt's shirt. The blonde turned at the last second, and Tai stumbled forward, losing his balance and crashing into the undergrowth as Matt moved away, laughing. "Almost," he amended.

"Not close enough," Matt's voice was a low tenor, winded and amused. "I didn't think you used to be this slow, Tai," the blonde mocked, feeling cocky and exhilarated all at once. 

"I'm just trying to give you a chance, Matt. What fun would it be if I caught you at the beginning?"

"You're right. There is nothing more amusing in this world that watching you jump at air only to fall flat on your face. Very, very amusing."

Tai pushed himself up from the ground and looked to his left, where Matt was standing in the shadows with his arms crossed. Though it was night, there was still enough light coming through the trees that they could make out each other's whereabouts, as long as the other wasn't hiding under a tree or in the bushes. They stilled for a moment, the sounds of the night mingling with the thud of their hearts as they gazed at each other. Their gazes couldn't meet because of the dark, but they could feel the other looking, could almost hear the gears turning in their heads as they waited.

"Ready to go back?" Tai's voice broke the spell that had held them both bound, and Matt nodded, stepping back closer, into the light where Tai could see him better. 

"Which way's back?" Matt asked softly, as if afraid that speaking too loud would bring negative consequences. Tai smiled, and the stars reflected in his eyes for a moment, making him look both breathtaking and devilish for an instant.

One dark hand was offered with the smile, and Matt took it. "We'll play follow the leader." That brought a chuckle from the blonde as Tai started moving, turning in the general direction of the cabin. They walked back without talking, their hands linked to keep them together in the night. 

In thinking, Tai found some symbolism in this. They would be going back in a few days, and in the real world, he would have to let go, at least a little. Before, when Matt was sick, he had been needed, whether the blonde wanted him to help or not. Just like now, as they walked through the woods.

The cabin represented the real world, where Matt would slip his hand away and move onto his next thing, leaving Tai do divert himself while keeping an eye on his best friend. Matt would never truly be far away, but the distance was more than Tai wanted, more than he had ever wanted. If he had his way, he'd never let go.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Day twenty, morning

"I don't want to go home tomorrow, Tai." Matt's voice was edgily high, the emotion in his words causing an ache in Tai's chest. The brunette wanted to reach out and offer his comfort, but Matt was curled into the corner of the bed, his arms circled about his knees defensively. Tai had the distinct impression that this was Matt's way of defending against the following day, when Mr. Ishida would arrive to take them home. They would ride back together, and that night, thirty-six hours from the current moment, would be the first that they had spent apart in three weeks. 

Tai sighed, wishing the blonde would look at him. He was seated in the middle of the bed, facing Matt, his legs bent cross-legged and his right elbow resting on his leg. "There isn't a lot of choice, Matt. School will be starting in two days. The band's anxious to have you back. Your brother is going crazy, because he and Daisuke have some bet going and I'm guessing that it has something to do with us being up here."

Blue eyes closed. "I don't want what I had, Tai." Matt leaned his head back against the wall, heaving a tired sigh. 

"Then we'll get you what you _do_ want, Matt." He was trying to be as understanding as possible, but they'd already been up for an hour and a half, and the blonde showed no sign of opening up completely. Tai had a sinking feeling that he was missing a piece, and without that piece, the puzzle would never be complete, and Matt would always be…Matt.

He sighed, dropping his head to his hand and rubbing his temple tiredly. They'd gone to bed late last night, and he was tired. After making his way to the outhouse at dawn, he had come back to find Matt awake and in his current position. Ninety minutes later, the only thing that had moved was the sun arcing across the sky. 

"Tai, if you had a choice, where would you be in this very moment?" Brown eyes looked up sharply, but Matt wasn't looking at Tai; to absorbed in his knees was he.

"Odd as this may sound, Yama, I'd choose here."

"This cabin?"

"This cabin, this moment, with you. I missed you, Yama, and there is no way that I'll ever let things get that bad again. I don't know what I'd do without you in my life."

"What did you do?" Tai blinked, before realization kicked in. He thought back over the previous year, the initial withdraw, the resulting pain, loneliness and fear. He had been so afraid that he'd done something wrong and made Matt stop being his friend, that he had jumped over the healing process and jumped back into society, making new friends and pretending that his heart wasn't broken. He had been watching from the sidelines, but with the distance between them, he hadn't seen how bad things were until it was almost too late.

"I don't know how to answer that, Yama. I could tell you about meeting new people, and joining new clubs, and about the night that I almost slept with some girl after having someone drug my drink at a party." Matt did look up then, his brows furrowed in a frown. Tai went on. "I could tell you a lot of things that I did, Yama, and not a one of those truths would mean a thing. I could tell you what I was or what I wasn't without you, but that would get redundant."

"How did you feel?"

It was a more pointed question, and Tai took another moment before answering. Matt's eyes trapped his now, and there would be no escape from the truth. "I was lonely. Miserable. That old saying about being alone in a crowd of people is true. But I haven't lied to you, Yama. I was better off than you were. I thought I had done something wrong, and I was afraid that we would never be this close again. I was so afraid of that. But I watched you, and I knew that you weren't happy anymore. And, as sadistic and mean as this sounds, I was happy that you weren't happy."

"That is twisted." Matt agreed, his eyes dark with pain and an underlying understanding.

Tai chuckled dryly. "You were as miserable without me as I was without you. I figured it would be a matter of time before we started talking again. I thought that we could heal everything, and that it would all be okay again."

"Things only got worse." 

"Yeah. That tends to happen sometimes." Tai sighed and tried smiling slightly. Matt's lips curled up in response, before turning back down.

"Will you do me a favor?"

"Anything." There was no hesitation.

"Don't make me be alone. Not right away. I know it's asking a lot…"

"It's not a problem." Tai cut in, reaching out finally to touch Matt's arm gently. He smiled at the blonde, eyes gentle. "There isn't anything you can't ask of me that I won't give you, Yama."

They stared at each other for a moment, and then Matt smiled, resting his hand over Tai's. "Thanks, Tai." Pulling away, he moved off the bed and walked towards the kitchen area. "What do you want for dinner?"

~~~~~~______~~~~~~

Day twenty-one, midmorning

"Hey, guys!" Daisuke hopped out of the front seat, grinning wide. The driver side door opened, and Mr. Ishida stepped out, his face a mask of tortured silence. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah, just a second, Dais." Tai rolled his eyes, turning to smile and wink at Matt before he turned back to the cabin for their stuff. "This should be a fun ride home."

The blonde laughed, stepping toward the car. "What happened? Did you trade TK in for the Loud One?" Daisuke smiled at the insult, hopping inside the cabin. He helped Tai carry the bags to the car, and then ran back to the cabin to shut and lock the door. Matt's guitar case leaned in plain sight against the wall beside the door.

"He was waiting by the car when I came out this morning. He actually asked if he could come with me, and since your brother and mother were too busy, I figured I could use the company." Mr. Ishida sighed. "Next time, I'll find a deranged hitchhiker that will probably kill me."

"Ah, it wasn't that bad." Daisuke exclaimed, slamming the hood of the trunk. "We got to talk about a lot of different subjects, and we stopped for lunch at that restaurant he went to the first time, and I showed him where the Yagami's pulled over to let me out of the back of the car." 

Matt raised an eyebrow, listening half-heartedly as Daisuke rambled on. When he finally paused to take a breath, Tai clamped a hand over his mouth. "Let's go before it gets dark, okay?" Daisuke rolled his eyes, but nodded. "We're ready when you are, Mr. Ishida."

Matt began to climb into the back seat, but his father's voice halted him. "I haven't seen you in weeks, son. Get up here." Once buckled in, Mr. Ishida whispered, "Besides, I am not spending another hour with Daisuke sitting in the passenger seat." Matt gaped at the rude comment, but his father glanced back at the russet haired boy in the back seat and winked. A spark of easy acknowledgment and amusement passed between the two. "What's the plan, boys? Am I taking Tai straight home?"

"If it's okay with you, sir, I'd like to stay at your place for a while." Tai replied, looking at Matt from his vantage point behind the driver's seat. The blonde turned to look at him, then at his father.

"That would be fine, Taichi." Mr. Ishida agreed.

Daisuke grinned, buckling his seatbelt. "Hey, cool. Can I spend the night, too?" The other three groaned as the car began its descent down the mountain.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Takeru took the phone from his mother, one blonde brow raised in question. She mouthed the word 'Daisuke'. He sighed, putting the phone to his ear with trepidation. "What's up, Dais?"

"He didn't tell him. Somewhere along the line, he chickened out." Takeru didn't have to ask whom, which was good because Daisuke didn't give him a chance to speak as he went on. "I am so ashamed of that boy. Forget him. I can't believe he hasn't told your brother yet."

Takeru rolled his eyes. His mother caught the look and smiled slightly. "They're only seventeen, Dais. Give him a chance. They've been home all of what, an hour? Go take a nap, Dais, and wait for me to call you with my request for winning your bet."

Daisuke groaned. "Come on, Takeru. You're not really going to hold me to that, are you?"

"Yes." The phone clicked off on the Takaishi end, leaving Daisuke to hold a silent receiver in his hand. He replaced the phone slowly; his face fearful as he tried to come up with every possible thing that Takeru could ask him for. The options were endless, and he knew that the blonde wouldn't hold anything back. 

~~~~~______~~~~~

Two days later, the first day of school

School went back into session without a hitch. Classes resumed the second Monday of August. Matt spent most of the day warding off questions about the cancelled concerts, and whether or not he was going to be going back to the band. It didn't help that the rest of the band didn't go to his school, where, seemingly, most of the student body was comprised of their fans. 

Luckily, Tai was beside him the entire time, answering some questions, skirting others, and coming up with good excuses for them both to get away. Lunch had been particularly painful. He had tried sitting with his old friends, the people that he and Tai had grouped into a sort of club before things got bad, back when he and Matt were still best friends. The peace had lasted for mere seconds before fan girls had swarmed over him, each offering advice and the comfort of their company. Some even offered their bodies. 

Before the mauling could begin, Tai bumped into him, pouring milk down the front of his own shirt. Matt was then dragged away on the pretense that he needed to help Tai get cleaned up. In the bathroom, they laughed about it. Matt had a difficult time not staring at the shirt clinging to Tai's chest. Either Tai didn't notice, or the brunette chose not to say anything, because he wiped off his shirt without a word, and then snuck them out of the bathroom and to their next class, dodging groups of fans and students alike as they bypassed their empty lockers. As silly as it seemed, that desperate act to get away from the fans helped settle some of the emotions that Matt was feeling.

The last period teacher was rather boring, and more than one student could be heard snoring. Unfortunately, talking was out of the question, because the instructor had a highly tuned form of selective hearing, in which he could catch the lowest whisper, but not the loudest snore.

When school was over for the day, Tai walked with Matt to the bus station, and they rode across town to rehearsal. The band had let him have the few days before school off, but they were obviously eager and ready to get back into the swing of creating and performing music. The building they used was an empty warehouse that belonged to Gendo's parents.  The echoes were balanced by sheets, blankets and mats that they had hung haphazardly from the wall, leaving the space rather odd looking, but musically okay.

The boys stepped into the studio and blinked in the dim lighting, Tai holding the door for Matt to precede him. "Matt!" A girl squealed, and they both turned in surprise as a slender form lunged from the shadows and attached itself to Matt. "Oh, I'm so glad to see you. That annoying jerk I call a brother wouldn't tell me where you were!" Jun Motomiya pulled back just enough that she could look at him, and look for signs that he had been doing badly in her absence. "You look okay. I guess that they took care of you. Why didn't you tell me that you were going away?"

"I didn't know," Matt tried to push her away, and only succeed in getting his arms pinned between them. He looked to Tai for help, and raised an eyebrow at the obvious amusement on the brunette's face. With a smirk, Tai stepped forward and tickled the girl, causing her to loosen her hold as she jerked and laughed, trying to evade his attack. Matt stepped back hurriedly, smiling slightly. Tai stopped his ministrations, leaving the breathless girl in a puddle on the floor, arms folded protectively at her sides as she glared up at him.

"That wasn't very nice, Tai!" She stood up slowly.

"We told you that you weren't supposed to be here, Jun. Leave, or we'll have Tai help you out," Akemi called out threateningly. The girl glared at Akemi and left, but not before hugging Matt one more time, squeezing him until Akemi wondered if Matt would pass out from lack of oxygen. When she was gone, he rolled his eyes, and focused his gaze on Tai and Matt. "About damn time. We've had to put up with her for the past ten minutes. What took you guys so long?"

Matt shrugged and responded,  "We walked part of the way."

"Whatever. Where's your guitar so that we can start?"  asked Gendo.  Matt paused for a moment, then turned to Tai with an expression of horror. The brunette nodded in understanding, moving so that he was standing in front of Matt, half-shielding him from the rest of the band to protect him from whatever they might say. 

"It got left at the cabin. Is there something he can use until he gets it back?"

"What cabin?" asked Itsu, glaring at Tai suspiciously. "Why have you been hiding my Yamato for three weeks?"

Gendo simply looked at them coldly, ignoring Itsu's jealousy. "Great, Tai. You tell us we have to make do without Matt for three weeks, and then you both disappear off the face of the planet."  Matt looked sharply at Tai's back. He had thought that the band had willingly given him the time off, but he should have known better. Tai had arranged everything so well, including his break from the band. Gendo went on, his eyes and voice cold. "Yeah, there's something else that he can use, but it's not the same. He needs his guitar, and we don't have a lot of time to wait until he gets it back. We have an interview with a record label, and he'll need something that he's good on."

"It will be here tomorrow. Just give him something for the time being." Tai turned around, sighing when he saw the dangerous glint in Matt's eyes. He lowered his voice. "I told them you needed time off. You needed to get away, and they weren't willing, so…" he trailed off. Brown eyes looked into blue. "Just play today. Your dad will pick you up in a couple of hours, or you can get a ride home with them."

"And my guitar?"

"It will be here tomorrow, Matt. I promise." Tai walked away, leaving the blonde to the hands of his band-mates. They looked at him, their expressions blank until the door shut behind Tai, leaving them in the privacy of the mini-studio.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

When he tried to call Tai later that evening, his mother told him that he was out and wasn't expected back. He left a message with her, and then curled into a ball by the phone. He had ended up walking home from band practice. The two hours he spent with them had been nothing but torture. They hadn't bothered to hide their disgust in the fact that he had run off and left them in the lurch, and they wasted little time in welcoming him back in. After a hundred and twenty minutes spent between stony silence and stilted music, he had walked out, leaving them to glare at his back.

His father wasn't home when he got there. He found a message on the machine, saying that he was working late and wouldn't be home until early the next morning. He thought about calling his brother, but he didn't want to start another argument between his parents. He found himself alone in his apartment, tears slipping down his cheeks as he waited for a call that didn't came.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

The following morning, when he woke up, he was stiff from sleeping on the couch, and his eyes were puffy from crying, both in sleep and while awake. There wasn't a note from his father, but he could hear sounds of breathing coming from the back room, and realized that he had come home at some time, probably passing him by without noticing. Matt made something to eat, but threw it away, watching as the hinged lid of the trashcan swung for a moment before stilling. 

He picked up his notebook from the table in the living room where he'd left it the night before and left, making his way slowly out of the building and towards school.

"Matt!" He faltered in mid-stride at the voice that called his name, but resumed his pace, trying to shut out the sound of feet coming toward him. "Matt, wait!" Tai fell into step beside him, but Matt didn't look at him, his gaze focused in front of him. 

"Where were you?" His voice was hoarse from restrained emotion, and he felt more than saw Tai tense beside him. "I tried to call you, but your mom said that you weren't home, and you never called."

"I didn't call because I got in really late last night and I didn't want to wake you." A hand touched his arm, forcing him to stop and look at his friend. "I'm sorry." The brunette gave a tired sigh and held out the object that he'd been lugging. Matt looked at his guitar case, a frown furrowing his brow. "I went back up to get this. I promised, remember? If I had known you would need me, I wouldn't have gone up, or I would have taken you with me, or something."

Matt took the instrument slowly, pulling the hard plastic case close to his chest as he looked at Tai, tears slipping down his cheek. "You went back to get it?"

"Oh, Yama." Tai embraced him, pulling him close as the blonde cried. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left you. I should have guessed that they'd be jerks." Matt's hands released the case, letting it fall to the ground with a sick thud before clenching in the material of Tai's shirt.

"I don't want to be back here, Tai. All the questions, and then the accusations last night. Take me away from here. Please." He begged, holding tight to his friend. Tai wrapped his arms around the blonde, holding him close as he mentally swore to make sure that the day before didn't repeat itself.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

"You'll be fine with the rest of the gang, Matt. Let Koushiro take care of you this morning, and I'll be back before lunchtime."

"I don't understand. Where are you going?" The blonde looked at Tai accusingly as Koushiro tried to take his arm and lead him toward the school building. "What are you doing that's so important that you're skipping school?"

"Don't worry about it, Matt. There are just a few things that I have to take care of. I'll be back by lunch."

"It's only the second day of school, Tai. Why can't you wait?"

"Because this is more important than school, Yama."

"Then why won't you tell me?" Tai sighed, closing his eyes as the argument came back full circle. Matt looked at him, taking in the bags under his eyes and the tiredness that seemed to pour out of every part of him. He sighed too, touching a slender hand to Tai's chest as he realized how demanding he was being. "Never mind. Just do what you have to do, but remember that you have to walk with me to rehearsal tonight."

"I'll be here." Tai smiled and opened his eyes, laying his hand over Matt's before he backed away. "Have I broken a promise yet?"

~~~~~_____~~~~~

"You bastard!" Akemi's body slammed against the wall before slumping to the ground. Tai let go of him and turned to face the rest of the band, all of whom were sporting various wounds. It would be interesting to see them explain the bruises and marks at rehearsal that night, but if the fear in their eyes were any indication, they wouldn't be telling Matt the truth. "If any of you so much as look at him wrong, I'll come after you. You have no idea what he's gone through in the last couple of months, for you and for this damn band. Don't blame him for needing the time away, because I had to force him to leave. He was literally handcuffed, guys. He didn't just dump you all willingly, okay?"

He looked around, seeing a mingling of fear and hate on their faces. 

"He was really messed up, and he needed to get away before he got hurt or sick. It wasn't a choice but a necessity, okay? Stop blaming him, because it's my fault. He's coming back today, with his guitar, and when he walks in that door, I want you to show some appreciation to the _boy_ that was killing himself to help make this band something. He deserves that. He has done nothing, and I repeat _nothing_ wrong. Do you understand?"

They nodded, eyeing him warily. He had taken them by surprise, storming into their little studio, knowing that they'd be skipping school as they did most days. It hadn't been hard to figure out where to search for them; if they weren't in school, they wouldn't be at home. The only other place the truant teens could go was their little studio.

"We'll be seeing you guys after school, and I expect you to behave. He's still Matt, still the guy you started this whole music business with. I'm sorry for making him drop everything, but it really was for his own good."

"Sure, Tai. We understand." Akemi straightened from the wall, hands in front of him in surrender. His voice was slightly mocking. "We're sorry."

"Save that for Matt." With a last glare at each of them, he turned and walked away, leaving them to glare at his back as he rubbed his right hand. Toshiko had a bloody nose, and Itsu would be walking around with a black eye for quite awhile. He smiled with satisfaction, tainted by sorrow. From now on, he'd have to make sure that Matt wasn't with the band unless he was around, or there could be some serious backlash from this little stunt.

In the studio, the band was silent for several moments, until Itsu smiled slightly, raising a hand to his black eye. "Matt in handcuffs?"

The other three sighed. "Shut up, Itsu."

~~~~~______~~~~~

Matt stared in confusion as the band apologized to him. No sooner had he walked in the door, they had walked up to hug him, welcoming him back and saying sorry for treating him like crap the day before. "We're sorry, man. We've been so lost without you that we hated admitting that we needed you back. It kind of stung our pride, you know? You're still our friend first, and a singer second. We kind of forgot that for a while, and we shouldn't have. We'd be please and grateful if you stayed with us, despite the fact that we're jerks." Toshiki said, looking and sounding rather embarrassed as he admitted the truth. 

Itsu glued himself to Matt's side, looking at him with a pitiful expression. "I just missed you so much, baby."

Tai looked at them in surprise and read the sincerity in their gazes. He looked at his knuckles appreciatively, glad that he had managed to knock some sense into their heads. Let it never be said again that violence solved nothing.

Matt looked stunned but happy, a smile lighting his face as he removed himself from Itsu's clutches and placed the strap to his guitar around his neck, beginning to tune it. They warmed up for several minutes, and then started into their music, playing whatever happened to come to them when the last song ended.

The warehouse was filled first with the sound of music, and then the slow and halting sound of Matt singing. By the end of the first number, his voice was strong, washing over Tai soothingly, reminding him of times before, in months too lost in the past to count, when he had first heard his friend sing with such feeling and certainty. Gone were the months of malnutrition, gone was the hoarseness caused by vomiting before every show and after every set. He smiled at the healthy glow to his skin, the shine that replaced the gaunt and tired look.

It was with great satisfaction that he watched Matt, listened to him sing the words that he had written before depression set in, before he had turned away from the world. And as he listened and felt the emotions beneath the sound waves, he was reminded once again of why he had fallen in love in the first place.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Matt blinked in the darkness, watching as the shadows played on the ceiling. The room was slightly chilled, but he was only covered to the waist. The sheets were wrapped around his legs, and he sighed, kicking at them to loosen them. His foot connected with a warm, solid object, and he froze, listening to the sound of Tai's breathing to make sure he hadn't interrupted his sleep. The brunette was lying beside him, his head placed by Matt's feet, and his feet angled towards Matt's head. He was lying on top of the blankets, covered in another sheet, his body turned toward the wall.

The blonde sat up, moving slowly and quietly. He reached out and turned on the lamp beside his bed. Tai mumbled in his sleep, but didn't wake up. Matt worked his legs free from the sheets and stood up, then stood by the bed for a moment, watching Tai's back as the brunette slept. He smiled, then turned and headed towards the bathroom to answer nature's call.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Two weeks later__

_And so I turn to you my love_

_For the solace that is there_

School had settled in rather well, and since the warm weather was due to turn cold soon, a group of students that Tai and Matt knew and hung out with had agreed to meet for a picnic in the park. Daisuke was keyed up about something, and he and Takeru kept exchanging little barbs. At that moment, there were eleven of them total, but they were waiting for a twelfth, a guest of Koushiro's. Matt and Tai were talking by the picnic tables when said guest arrived, walking across the park with slow and steady steps, his head held high as he approached the group of awaiting strangers.

"Looks like a nice enough kid." Tai commented, letting the conversation turn to a new topic. Whatever they'd been discussing before was unimportant anyway. 

Matt nodded, watching the kid out of the corner of his eyes, so that he wasn't caught staring at him. "I wonder why Daisuke seems more hyper than normal." The young redhead in question was grinning and tapping his palm against his leg as he openly stared at the boy coming towards them. "I haven't seen him this excited since you were assigned to the same team in gym."

Tai smiled, shrugging as Koushiro greeted his friend, and then brought him closer for introductions. Tai and Matt were first. "Hi. You must be Ken. I'm Tai." He held his hand out, and the genius shook it. Tai pointed to Matt and grinned. "The walking scarecrow is Matt. Despite the skinny, gaunt look, he doesn't bite."

"Shove it, Tai." Matt elbowed him, and then extended his own hand to Ken. "Welcome to our madness."

"Thank you for allowing me to come." Out of the corner of his eye, Tai could see Daisuke approaching them as Matt and Ken disengaged, and Sora and Mimi introduced themselves, followed by the rest of the group.

A few minutes later, they were all seated at the picnic table, Tai on an end, Matt to his right, with Daisuke directly across from him, and Ken across from Matt. Daisuke, having handed out everyone else's beverages, grinned at Ken's choice. "Water's the best thing for you, anyway." Tai rolled his eyes as Daisuke continued to flirt with the oblivious genius.

 Tai leaned over and put large quantities of food on Matt's place. The blonde seemed to be withdrawing into himself more and more as the day went on, and Tai was sympathetic. A year ago, the eleven of them had been friends, and he and Matt had been the best of friends. After everything that had happened, Matt still didn't feel entirely comfortable being with them all.

"You better eat. We wouldn't want you to look as sickly as Matt." Tai said to Ken, knowing that Matt wouldn't appreciate that comment, but knowing, too, that it would get a reaction. He turned to smile at the blonde. "Eat up."

Matt raised an eyebrow at him, but picked up a spoon anyway, his eyes dark. His voice was moderate, a small note of amusement underlying his words. "Fine, but when I eat too much, I'm throwing up on you."

"Don't worry. We'll work off all of that extra weight." Tai smiled, referring to the soccer game they had planned for after lunch. Matt frowned slightly, staring at the amount of food on his plate. Seeing his look, Tai leaned closer. "Please, Yama. Eat some of it?" The blonde sighed, but started to eat, chewing his food slowly. Eating in front of people other than Tai was another challenge for him, knowing that they would know how much he ate, worrying that they would think he was eating more that he should.

Daisuke leaned toward Ken, putting his hand on his arm as he tried to speak softly. Even so, his voice drifted across the table. "Matt was bulimic. Tai's been with him constantly for about two months. They share the same room, go to the bathroom together, and everything." 

Matt looked up, raising an eyebrow at Ken, who was blushing slightly, probably from having such personal information disclosed to him at random. "Daisuke spreading secrets over there?"

"Of course. Doesn't he always?" Miyako, reaching around Ken, slapped Daisuke.

Takeru, next to his brother, grinned. "Not when they're his."

"Shut up, TZ!" Daisuke glared at Takeru, and Matt narrowed his eyes at them. Something was definitely funny with his brother and Daisuke later, but he couldn't hazard a guess as to what.

"Just eat your food, guys." Sora gave a stern look to their end of the table, resumed eating.

"Yes, mother." Tai grinned, then took a drink of Matt's soda. The blonde seemed to ignore it, but put it on the other side of his plate after he'd taken a drink. Tai smiled, watching as his friend continued eating, albeit slowly.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

A short while later, they were on their makeshift field, split into teams for a soccer match. Matt and Tai ended up on different teams, mostly so that Tai could watch the blonde and make sure that Daisuke didn't try to trample on him. When the redhead played, he could get dangerous, more due to his prone towards accidents than any real intent, but Tai wasn't taking the chance. 

At some point, both Ken and Daisuke were going after the ball, and then next moment, they were lying on the ground, Ken on top Dai. 

Tai rolled his eyes. Leave it to Daisuke to take out the star player of the Tamachi team. He looked around for the soccer ball, and then kicked it towards them, realizing too late that Ken was leaning down to kiss his friend. Daisuke and Ken looked up quickly, and he grinned, covering his embarrassment. "We were playing a game." 

Matt slapped him on the arm, effectively distracting him as Ken got up and spoke to Koushiro, and then turned to leave. "What was that for?"

The blonde sighed, rolling his eyes. "You were being a jerk."

"Yeah, but you don't normally hit me for it." Tai pouted, rubbing his arm, though the pain had been small and was already gone. When his pout did nothing to ease Matt's glare, he cocked an eyebrow, his lips twitching. Matt was pretending to ignore him, his head tilted back and away proudly. Biting his lip, Tai reached up and ruffled Matt's hair, making the musician turn around with a glare.

"Tell me that you did not just do that."

"Do what?" Tai feigned innocence. Matt swatted at his arm again. He turned away as Takeru kicked the ball at Ken and Daisuke, who looked like they were about to kiss each other again.

Takeru smiled. "My aim's a little off." Matt looked at his brother as Daisuke called him a jerk, and then looked back at Tai, shaking his head.

"I can't believe it. My little brother's taking after you."

"Way to go, TK." Tai grinned at the younger blonde, giving him a thumbs-up of approval. Matt rolled his eyes. Tai looked around, and spotted the ball, rolling leisurely back towards them. He picked it up, and tucked it under his arm after a warning glance from Matt. He wouldn't risk being hit again by throwing the ball at Ken and Daisuke. He glared at them instead. "Are you two made up, yet? I've got a game to win today, but it's a little hard without all the players." Matt touched his arm, and then hit him on the back of the head. Hard. "Never mind!"

Ken and Daisuke looked at each other uncertainly, talking quietly about something that was making them both blush. Tai hefted the soccer ball up; ready to let it fly again, despite the fact that Matt would probably hit him. His arm arched back, but was grabbed before he could throw the ball. Matt twisted his arm, and then swept out with a foot, knocking him down. The blonde rolled him to his stomach before he had time to react, and then sat on his back, the soccer ball in his hand. 

"You throw this…" He bounced it off Tai's head. "At another person," Bounce. "And you will be," Bounce, "Eating grass," Bounce "For a week." Bounce. He stood up quickly, putting distance between him and the blonde, despite his bravado.

The group was laughing, and Ken and Daisuke looked up from their first kiss to make sure that it wasn't at them. They smiled when they saw Tai slowly regaining his feet. 

"You better behave from now on, Taichi. If I can pin you once, I can pin you again."

"Says you." Tai looked away sulkily, enjoying the dangerous and confident gleam that played in Matt's eyes. When he turned back around, his face was split into a mischievous grin. "First, I have to get my revenge." He lunged at the blonde, and Matt ran around the group to put them between him and Tai. Tai followed, advancing around the ring of their friends as Ken and Daisuke proceeded to share their second kiss.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Later that day

Takeru and Tai were hefting the cooler into Mr. Kido's car. Jyou's father, for once, wasn't working late, and had offered the use of their cooler for the picnic that his son had helped to plan for that afternoon. Fortunately, he was also offering rides to the stragglers that didn't have rides of their own. Matt was saying goodbye to Koushiro and Jyou, laughing about something. The others were already gone. 

"It's pretty cool that Daisuke and Ken got together after just a couple of hours." Tai commented, lifting the cooler into the trunk, and then shutting it. 

The blonde grinned. "They've met before, Ken just didn't realize it."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Tai asked, noticing the grin. Takeru laughed.

"He lost a bet. He had to dress like a girl in public, without letting anyone in on the joke. If anyone caught on, he was supposed to convince them that he was a girl. There were some other things, but that was basically it. I made him go to the museum in Tamachi, and he met Ken."

Tai laughed. "That's why Ken got so upset during the game. He figured him out, huh?"

"Yeah. Things worked out, though, and that's all that matters." Tai nodded in agreement, watching as the other three walked towards them. 

"Out of curiosity, what was the bet?"

"I told him that you wouldn't tell my brother you loved him before you guys came back." Tai looked at him, stunned, then looked back at Matt to see if he had heard. Having it brought out that way was not what he had planned. Takeru touched his arm gently. "Don't worry, Tai. I won't tell him."

"Tell who what?" Matt asked, finally within earshot. 

Takeru smiled, hugging his brother. "Won't tell Ken that Daisuke _likes_ to wear girls underwear."

Matt laughed and shook his head. "I don't even want to know how you would know that."

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Weeks later

The crowd was so loud with excitement that they seemed to drown out the sound of the opening band, carrying the cheers and enthusiasm through the walls of the auditorium. Matt stood with the rest of the band, his heart beating erratically. They had another twenty minutes before this set would end, and then the second opening band would play, leaving them last in the lineup, and fodder if something went wrong.

In the room with him, the rest of the band seemed nervous, twisting drumsticks and checking their images in the mirror. He was waiting for the costume designer, Alicia (Matt sighed, trying to remember how they had gone from using a cousin to the cousin's brother's girlfriend) to finish the alterations on his outfit for the night. Tai was sitting in the corner, textbooks spread out on the floor as he tried to study. Matt smiled, watching as one dark hand ran through his unruly hair, making it an even bigger mess.

The door behind him opened, and Alicia stepped in, outfit in hand. "It can't be done." Her voice was shrill and angry. "I don't know how you can expect me to change this in so little time. If anybody had bothered to send me your measurements from after you little trip a couple of months ago, I could have worked on this. But no, Matt puts on a bunch of weight, and I'm expected to make clothes to fit him when nobody gives me the adjustments."

Matt stared at her, one hand coming up to rest against his stomach. The world around him seemed to spin, culminating in a pinpoint around Alicia's head as her words snuck beneath the surface to resurrect old wounds. She continued on, oblivious. "I mean, come on. You've added on an extra two inches, and even your older outfits don't really fit anymore. The baggy look is finally back in style after you've worn it for a year out of fashion, and all of your clothes suddenly fit. What ever happened to the thin look?"

"He looks fine." He jumped as Tai spoke from beside him. As reality slowly sank back around him, he realized that Tai was standing beside him, hand on his shoulder in support. The brunette was angry, but he hadn't yelled or indicated by tone that he was upset. His voice had been matter of fact, and that calm assurance made Matt feel better than any insult Tai could have hurled back at the girl.

"Whatever!" She clearly did not understand that she was treading dangerous grounds. "Look at him. He's been putting on weight for who knows how long. If this keeps up, he'll end up with a pot belly, and the band will lose half of its fan base!" She put her hands on her hips. "It's already starting to happen. Why, just the other day, some of the girls were saying that it was too bad his looks were starting to fade, because he used to be so cute."

Matt winced, feeling a sense of déjà vu as he looked down, his hand now pushing against his stomach as he tried to measure how much weight he'd gained back, and how many inches he had lost. A dark hand on his arm caused him to look up. Tai wasn't bothering to argue with Alicia. His main concern was Matt, a concern that was tangible in his gaze and touch. From that look, Matt found the strength to draw himself to his full height, his back straight as he looked at the band's costume designer with something that bordered on pity and disgust.

"Alicia, you're fired." She narrowed her eyes, but stood her ground.

"You can't fire me just because you don't like a little honestly. The _band_ hired me, Matt, and it will be the band that fires me."

"Then you're fired." Itsu said behind them. The rest of the band voiced agreement, causing Matt to gap at them for their unexpected support. Tai turned the full force of his glare on Alicia.

"You make the costumes to fit the performer, not the performer to fit the outfit."

"Just shut up, Tai. We all know why you hang around. I was going to say that it's a wonder that he hasn't gained more weight with all the food you make him eat, but I guess that you help him work it off, don't you?"

It was Matt that looked at her with narrowed eyes, one brow raised coldly. "Would you like to explain yourself, Alicia?" His voice was threatening, telling her that her safest option would be to run, but the girl, whether through courage or stupidity, stayed where she was, poised to answer.

"Everyone knows that you're sleeping together. It wasn't bad enough that you refused any and all of the girls that offered themselves to you, you had to make a mockery of them by going after a guy!" Her lips curled in revulsion. "You're a sick little fag, Matt, and I'm disgusted that I ever went out with you. You can keep your little lover, but eventually word will get out about your little secret."

"And I'm sure that you'd love to be the first one to tell everyone, wouldn't you?"

"You better believe it. I'll be first in line to reveal what a sick fuck you really are." He moved forward, his fists clenched at his side. Tai touched his shoulder. The contact was light, the effect more pronounced. Matt relaxed, unclenching his hands as a small smile stole over his face.

"Then have fun. I'll have you in court for slander so fast your head will spin. You have nothing to back up your claim, considering the fact that Tai has been my best friend for years, nothing more."

Akemi coughed and mumbled, "Handcuffs…" Alicia, thankfully, didn't hear him.

"Really? That's why you two ran off to a cabin together for three weeks? Or that fact that he's always with you and that he sleeps in your apartment? You can lie all you want, but you can't run from the truth, Matt. Eventually, it will come up and bite you in the ass."

"Take your own advice." He felt the hand on his shoulder squeeze lightly before slipping away. "Get out, Alicia, before I call security and have you escorted out." He turned his back on her, finished with her now that he'd had his say. He missed the hand she raised to hit him with, but Tai saw it, and grabbed it before she could bring the swing to a full arc.

"Touch him and die, Bitch." The brunette was past being nice. Using her arm to his advantage, he pulled her up until she was standing on the tips of her toes, and then started leading her to the door. He shoved her through the portal and shut the door in her face. He gave the rest of the room's occupants a satisfied smile. "Good riddance to bad rubbish."

The band laughed as Tai's gaze met Matt's. The blonde was watching him with a small smile, his eyes unreadable. "Thank you." His words were quiet, but seemed to cue the rest of the band into action. They made feeble excuses of having to tune up and get ready, and left, shutting the door behind them. Matt turned to face the wall farthest from the door, his eyes becoming captured by the large mirror that leaned against it. "Tai?"

"Yeah, Matt?" The brunette walked forward, his eyes meeting with Matt's in the reflective glass. The blonde didn't speak for a moment, his eyes trained on the growing figure in the mirror as Tai drew closer. "What's up?"

"Look at me. Really look." He spread his arms out, as if they were somehow blocking his true image.

"I'm looking, Matt." And he was. His gaze shifted over the image in the mirror, finally coming back up to rest on the reflected gaze of blue eyes.

"Tell me what you see. What do you think when you look at me?" There was a hint of desperation and a fair amount of longing in Matt's voice. His eyes were clouded over, taking on the sheen of tears as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Tell me the truth. What's the first word that comes to you when you look at me?"

Tai came closer, until he was standing directly behind Matt. He refrained from touching him as he looked over Matt's shoulder and into the mirror, watching as the glass reflected their image back to them. "Beautiful."

Matt closed his eyes tightly, blotting out most of the light as he tightened his hold on his own trembling body. "What did you see when I was still sick?"

"Beauty." The answer was spoken quietly, sincerely.

"And before that?" His voice was uneven.

"Beauty." Tai sighed softly, inching ever so slightly closer, until he could feel the heat of Matt's body radiating around him. "I've always seen beauty when I look at you, Yama."

"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder." Matt stepped back slightly, bringing his body in light contact with Tai's. He didn't move away, and after a moment Tai brought his hands up and set them gently on his shoulders, holding him softly.

"And beauty is all I will ever see when I look at you." Tai went on, pressing his face close to the  back of Matt's head so that he could inhale the scent of his shampoo with every breath. "We were so close, and then you started to withdraw from me. I was hoping that you'd come around, and then I realized that things were worse than what I thought."

"And you had to rescue me." It was more of a statement than a question. Tai smiled, squeezing the shoulders beneath his hands gently, his eyes warm.

"I would be willing to slay dragons for you, Matt."

"Hey, Matt! The second act is having some problems. They want us to start early!" Their glances turned to the reflection of the door in the mirror, and Akemi who was hanging in the now open doorway. "Stop necking! Wear what you've got on, sexy, and let's go!"

~~~~~_____~~~~~

_And offer any cherished thing_

_For a slight reprieve_

Matt stood on the stage, microphone directly before him. The house lights were down, leaving the audience in suspense. Behind him, he could hear the ragged and excited breathing of the rest of the band, and he felt that same excitement begin to curl in his stomach. Their wasn't much of a hush from the audience, and he could feel the expectancy rise from the floor in front of the stage. He raised a hand, a signal to the rest of the band, a sticker on the back of his hand glowing enough in the darkness that they knew he was ready to begin.

His hand came down, and with it came the first strum of the bass guitar, then a staccato rhythm from the drums. Smoke began to pour from a machine at the front of the stage, fans blowing it by his feet instead of towards his face. Smoke was a good illusion to have, but not if the lead singer couldn't sing because of it. Itsu picked up the sound, adding to it on his guitar. When Matt played the first chords of the lead, there was a crescendo, filling the auditorium with music before he stepped up to the mic.

He felt the music sear through him as the crowd went wild, lifting him to another plain, where only the music and adoration existed. He switched tones again, letting his guitar drop to the strap as he took the mic in both hands and brought his face down to it.

He began to sing, his voice haunting as he focused on the words. The song had been handed to them months ago, and they'd performed it several times, the words and music pleasing the audience. But this time, as the words came out of his mouth, he found a different meaning to them, and it seemed to elevate the music and his voice. He sang with feeling about a broken friendship caused by a failure to communicate. Lack of honesty and abandonment followed, and the pain that he had felt months ago became infused in the words.

 His eyes strayed away from the thronging mass before the stage to the side, where he could barely see the outline he knew to be Tai, leaning against a wall and watching them perform. With his emotions in turmoil and Tai's unspoken declaration, he sang for them, for he and Tai, and all the things they'd been through together.

And as the drum began to thunder on each beat, the words soared as he sang the last verse. "I would have been there for you, would have taken all the pain. If you'd told me, I would have loved you then. Would you have done this for a friend, this lover's sacrifice?"

When he was done, the music faded until the sound of the audience over powered it. The band paused before leading into the next song.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Matt stood looking up at the stars, watching the night sky through the haze of clouds and smog.  Behind him, the rest of the band cleared their stuff out of the dressing room, laughing and talking about the concert, making plans for after-gig parties. He smiled as Tai shoved Itsu forcibly out the door, after he offered to stay with Matt and 'keep him very good company'. Even Tai was laughing as he wrestled with the guitarist. Finally, he got the other boy out of the room, and shut the door behind him, turning to Matt.

The blonde was still standing by the window, looking outside. His body language said that he was still tightly coiled, and Tai frowned at him. While the others had begun celebrating as soon as the concert was over, Matt had walked quietly backstage, a satisfied smile on his face. Now that they were alone, Tai was worried. Admittedly, he had missed seeing the gigs that Matt had had directly prior to their trip to the mountains, but he was certain that the band wouldn't have let him brood as he seemed to be doing now.

"Matt?" The blonde turned to face him, his head tilting down slightly to hide his face. Tai couldn't tell whether the move was intentional or not, but he felt uneasy at the thought that Matt would try to hide something from him. He walked closer and squatted in front of him, keeping a small distance between them as he looked up at the blonde. "What's up?"

Things had been progressing really well since their return to the real world. The distance between them had stayed manageable, especially since Tai had basically moved in with the Ishida's. In all truth, he spent more time there than anywhere else. He had promised Matt at the cabin that he'd stay with him, and he would, until Matt told him that it was okay.

"I want to tell you." Matt said quietly, looking up just enough to meet Tai's gaze. They stared at each other for a moment, and then Matt leaned back against the wall and slid down it until he was sitting on the floor. Tai lowered his body the rest of the way to the ground, so that they were sitting at the same level, as close to eye to eye as their heights would allow.

"Tell me what?" Tai asked, his expression and tone gentle. Matt smiled, stretching his legs out in front of him. If he angled his foot just right, he could tap Tai's leg. Without the benefit of something to lean against, Tai settled for crossing his legs and leaning forward.

"A little over a year ago, you and I were best friends. The band was doing moderately well, and everything seemed to be going just perfect. Then I heard these girls…"

"The ones who said that they thought you were putting on weight?" Tai asked, his mind returning to a conversation that they'd had at the cabin. "And then the costume designer-"

"Right." Matt interrupted, before Tai could complete that sentence. He smiled slightly. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For telling me then that I would never be ugly, and for believing in me. Absolutely, I think is what you said." The smile slipped as he withdrew inside himself for a moment. When he started talking, his eyes were still distant. "I tried to pretend that it didn't matter, that hearing someone say that meant nothing to me. I could still get any girl I wanted. There were plenty. Easy, empty bodies that were there for my pleasure. Casual sex."

Tai winced, but didn't comment. He didn't think that Matt was looking for his opinion on the matter so much as that he wanted to say what he had to say.

"It didn't help. Every time I looked in the mirror, I kept seeing myself get fatter. I know that it was a trick in my mind, but…" He shrugged. "The thoughts were there. Then, at the beginning of the last school year, you came round to my apartment after the first day of school. You were all excited, because your only competition for Soccer Captain had moved away during the summer. You were flexing your muscles, and walking around as if you controlled the world." Tai smiled at the description. 

Their eyes met, and Matt smiled in return, before turning away again. Tai frowned.

"You patted my stomach and said that I was 'looking a little soft after a summer off'. I know you meant it as a joke, Tai, but coming from you…" He pressed his lips together, his eyes watering. "It hurt, Tai. I can't really explain why. I know I shouldn't listen so much to other people. You've told me enough that the only opinion in life that counts is my own…and yours. At that moment, it was just a catalyst. I couldn't take it. I was afraid that you actually thought that I was too fat."

Tai stared at him, eyes dark. On his face was an expression of misery and guilt. He clenched his fists, drawing in a deep breath to stave of some of the tightness in his chest. After all that time and the effort that he had made to help Matt, and now…now he was to blame?

"Don't take it like that, Tai." Matt saw his expression and interpreted it correctly. "You didn't mean it like that. I knew that then. It was just me. I was too weak to handle everything that was going on. See, you've always been my friend, and because you're my friend, how you think and feel is important to me." Matt stopped, sighing as he tried to collect his thoughts into a reasonable order. "Anyway, it just added to what I was already feeling, and I admit that I was mad at you. You, of all people, should have known better than to say something like that. Or so I thought. I hated myself, and I hated everything about me, and I hated you, because you weren't making anything better, and I thought you should."

"How?" 

Matt shrugged. "I don't know. I don't think that I was very logical at all at that point. So, I decided that, since I couldn't control anything else in my life, I could at least control how I looked and how I ate. But, eating the right foods didn't help me at all. No matter what I dieted on, I couldn't seem to lose any of that weight. Of course, I was only on each diet for less than a week at a time. In my mind, the results should have been immediate, and when they weren't, I tried something that worked a little faster."

"The bulimia?"

"Yeah. I'll tell you what, if you want to lose weight quickly, force yourself to throw up. Because, if you're not ingesting anything into your body, your body will use all the excess fat cells it has." He looked up again. "What people don't realize is how much harm you're really doing. Every time you force yourself to throw up, your forcing acid from your stomach to rise into your throat and mouth. Eventually, it will eat away the lining of your throat. I got lucky in that respect, at least. I can still sing, and nothing seems to have been damaged. And I'm sure you know all the information about malnutrition."

"I've read a bit."

Matt nodded. "I didn't realize how weak I'd feel. I had no energy, no motivation to do anything. I wanted to sleep all the time, and eventually it got to where I didn't care if I woke up in the morning, because I was so miserable all day long. I didn't want to spend time with anyone, least of all you."

"Depression."

"Right. And I kept getting sick, another downside of malnutrition. I was downing medicine and stuff left and right, but it wasn't helping because I was throwing it up next time that I ate. Just a long vicious cycle that never ended." He paused, drawing in a deep breath. "Then you came back around. I knew that you wouldn't approve of my method, but I figured that when you saw the results, you'd be pleased. I wanted you to tell me that I was beautiful again. I was hoping that you'd look at me, and see how much better I looked. I had lost all of that weight, and I just wished that you'd see me the way you used to. You have no idea how much it meant to me when you complimented me."

"I always meant it."

"Then you told me that I looked like a skeleton. I hated you for that. I had done all of that to make you see…see what I don't really know. I just wanted you to be proud of me, I think. I wanted…" He trailed off, breaking off eye contact as he tilted his head back. "I want what I've always wanted, I guess."

"What is it that you want, Matt? You've told me a lot of the things you don't want."

The blonde closed his eyes, sighing. "I want to be whole. Complete. Fulfilled."

"And you got a fucked deal?" Tai queried, remember another conversation they'd had at the cabin. His small stab at humor elicited a dry chuckle from Matt.

"Yeah." They sat for a few minutes, the silence threatening to deafen the both of them. Matt could feel his heart hammering in his chest, his eyes prickling with unshed tears. "Everything you want in your life is in your life." He mimicked Tai. "But is it in your life the way you want it?"

"No." Tai answered honestly. "There are quite a few things I'd change if I had the opportunity to."

"What's stopping you, Tai? What fears hold you back from having everything as you want it?" Matt's eyes were open again, the blue concentrated on Tai as he waited for his answer.

"The fear that what I want isn't what's best for those involved. I can't have everything if it means hurting someone else." Matt made a sound in his throat that might have been agreement, but didn't actually respond. "What about you, Matt? What's stopping you now?"

Matt thought for a moment, and shrugged. "Nothing, I guess. I can go after everything I want now. Get rid of some of the things I don't want."

"Like what?" Another shrug.

"I think I've found a way to get rid of half of my obsessive female fans, including Jun. It might actually increase the fan-base, so the guys wouldn't object too much. I could get rid of some of that loneliness you accused me of a while ago."

_I hoped that you might find me here_

_And I could learn to smile again_

Tai smiled slightly, his heart aching. "Yeah? How are you going to manage that?" Matt didn't answer. He sat beneath the window; his eyes trained on Tai, a small smile tugging at his lips. "Matt? Yama?"

"You know what I've finally realized?"

The brunette released the worried breath he'd been holding, glad to have Matt talking again. "What?"

Matt smiled, a full-fledged smile, lighting up his face. "You only call me 'Yama' when you're upset or emotional. When you're talking about something that's really important, or you're trying to reach me, you call me 'Yama'. I've never realized that before." Tai thought about it for a moment, and shook his head. He couldn't see why Matt was so amused about the nickname, but the blonde was smiling, a _real_ smile, so Tai would let it go. "When you promise me something that's serious, you use it, too."

"I mean my promises, Matt. I wouldn't give you my word if it wasn't something I thought I could do or handle."

"I know that, Tai. That's not what I meant. I was just remembering something you promised me at the cabin. You told me I could ask anything of you."

"Go ahead. If it's within my power, it's yours."

He smiled, looked at Tai, and then looked away while shaking his head. "You don't even bother to ask what it is, you're already willing to do it. I could ask you to…date Jun to get her away from me, and you'd probably do it. No hesitation, no second thoughts." His eyes met Tai's again. "Have I mentioned lately that you're wonderful?"

"Not recently." Tai was confused. Not just a little confused this time, but a lot. He had no idea where Matt was going with their conversation. It had started out as the blonde's chance to tell his side of things, and had since digressed into a muddle of thought and words.

"You're wonderful, Tai. You're my best friend, you know? I like you, being with you, and hanging out with you. I adore your family, your sister, even those horrible meals your mother makes. I adore you. I love talking with you, and I love it when you kick me awake during the night." He paused, the smile turning gentle and sorrowful at once. "I love you. Everything about you, I adore. So, if I had one favor that I could ask you, Tai, one thing you would do for me without question…"

Tai pushed his body forward, the declaration of his love on his lips. In his mind, he was already making promises as he drew closer to Matt.

"Leave me." The brunette froze, then drew back, settling onto his haunches.

"What?" His voice was dry and raspy, so different from any loving tone. 

"Leave." The blue eyes that were smiling at him minutes before were now filled with tears. "I need to be strong for me, Tai. I did this for you, all the way to the bulimia, so that you would see me and realize that you could love me. Now that I'm better, now that _you've_ made me stronger, I've realized that when I am with you, it's too easy for me to be weak. I let you handle everything. It's so easy to do that with you, Tai. But see, I can't be weak forever. I have to learn to live without you before I can trust myself to live with you. So if you love me as much as I think you do, I need you to stand up and walk out that door."

They stared at each other, or tried to, though all either saw was the blurry figure of their beloved through eyes filled with tears. After a moment, Tai rose to his feet and took a step back, the tears already falling down his cheeks. Without a word, he turned and fled, the first sobs escaping his chest the moment he was out the door. Inside the little dressing room, Matt lied curled on the floor, his arms wrapped around his body as he wept.

_ And as a balm for these wounds_

_Take away the sting_

_And as the band did play your body I did cradle_

_I should have known that song would have to end_


	3. Strength

__

And as a balm for these wounds

__

Take away the sting

Tai stood in the hallway, leaning against the wall nearest the door as his misery poured out. 

__

"If you love me…" Matt's voice echoed in his head. He drew in hard, shuddery breaths, forcing the air into his lungs. The pain in his chest seemed to spread throughout his body, making him nauseous and dizzy. Through the still open door, he could hear Matt crying as well. 

It didn't make sense. Matt loved him. He had finally said the words that Tai had long-since given up hope on hearing, and in the next breath Matt had pushed him away. It wasn't right that a declaration of love should cause so much pain.

He rolled his head back, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling as tears continued to cascade down his face. He knew that twenty feet away was the cause of his heartache, the reason for his pain, and he wanted nothing more than to go back into that little room. He didn't know what he'd say, but in his mind, leaving things the way they were would hurt too much. He didn't know if he could handle walking further away than what he had. His feet didn't seem likely to move in the near future.

He swallowed hard, his emotions slowly coming back under his control. He couldn't stand in the hallway all night. If Matt came out and found him there… His only other option, the only course of action that he had left to him without breaking his promise, would be to leave.

__

"If you love me as much as I think you do, I need you to stand up and walk out that door."

He squeezed his eyes shut tightly and then walked to the door.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

__

Matt sighed and stood up, stretching to relieve the kink in his back from being curled into a ball as he cried. His body felt tired and in need of sleep, though that was to be expected after a long day and a concert.

Inside, he felt better than he had in a long while. He had finally managed to take a step forward instead of back. Asking Tai to leave was probably the hardest thing he'd ever had to do, but he knew it was for the best. He couldn't be strong if he allowed Tai to be there for him to fall back on. 

He licked his lips and wiped at his face. He'd have a headache in the morning from crying for so long, but he felt purged, as if he'd managed to get rid of all the bad stuff in his life by crying. He felt free.

Half an hour after kicking Tai out of his life, he opened the door to the dressing room all the way and froze in the doorway. Tai leaned against the opposite wall, a small smile on his lips. His eyes were unmistakably puffy, and he was sniffling, evidence that he had been crying.

It was the brunette who broke the silence first. "I hope you're stronger. I couldn't seem to get my feet to move any further than this."

"What are you still doing here, Tai?" 

"I've found a flaw in your reasoning, Yama."

"You broke your promise." Matt's voice came out hard in accusation.

"No, I didn't," Tai was quick to correct. Matt looked at him skeptically. "You told me to leave. To turn and walk out the door." He spread his arms to encompass the hallway. "I'm out the door. I left you."

"You know that's not what I meant." The blonde was less than impressed with his logic.

"I do know. I was intent on walking away from you, Matt, but then I realized that what you had said didn't make sense."

Matt eyed him for a moment, then let curiosity get the better of him. "What didn't make sense?"

"You said that you couldn't be strong with me around, Matt, but you managed to find the strength to kick me out. You say that you're weak, but someone weak wouldn't have had the strength to take such a step. You're already stronger than you thought you were." 

"And _that's _supposed to make sense?" Matt asked. 

Tai continued as if he hadn't interrupted, "You're not weak, Yama. You never have been. Sure, you let your doubts and stuff get the better of you for a while, but when it came down to it, you ended up choosing to get better than continuing to be sick. It took strength to admit that you had a problem, Matt."

"If you remember correctly, I didn't have a lot of choice." Matt pointed out.

"Yeah, well." Tai shrugged. "In the end, kidnapping you would have done me zero good if you had decided that you didn't want to get better."

"You seem to be forgetting the fact that it was my fault I got sick in the first place."

"I haven't forgotten. You have no idea how much I want the beat the crap out of you for that, Matt. You didn't _have _to do anything to gain my attention. I can't believe that you were stupid enough to believe that you had to do anything to be beautiful. You're such a moron at times."

"Thanks, Tai. As if my ego wasn't big enough, you have to give me a swelled head by calling me a stupid moron. That's not likely to give me a complex." Matt said sarcastically. His reply made Tai smile, it was so…_spunky._

"This is my turn to talk, so quiet down and listen." 

"Like hell. I'm not about to sit around while you insult my intelligence. I'll agree that I was an idiot for letting myself get so vain and self-absorbed that I threw up to make myself thin. Yes, it was dangerous and I'm very lucky to have come out of it in one piece."

"At least we agree on that. You know, you're not weak. You're one of the strongest people I know."

"Tai, shut up. At this point, what you think of me isn't the point, because I will probably never se myself the same way." Matt said, shaking his head. "I've always depended on you too much. I got sick because of you-"

"Stop blaming me for that!" Tai interrupted angrily. "I've always loved you, Yama. I'm sorry that you misunderstood something I said to you, and I'm sorry that I was such a blind jerk, but you can't blame me for getting sick. That was your decision. You made it all on your own, so don't try passing that off on me."

They glared at each other for a moment before Matt looked away. "You're right. That's why I needed you to leave, Tai. Don't you understand? When you're around, it's too easy for me to depend on you and to blame you for things that I do. I don't want that."

"Pushing me away isn't going to help!" Tai said desperately, feeling his thought-out speech going down the drain in the face of Matt's persistence. "If you can't learn to take the responsibility when I'm around we'll never have a chance, Matt. You have to learn to be strong with me around or we'll never be able to be together."

Matt looked at him, his expression resolute. "You're not listening to me. I have to do this on my own, Tai."

"Yama, you're being stubborn. You can't guarantee that there will never be a time in your life when you feel low. There is no promise against pain. The best you can do in life is to find someone that loves you and that you love, and to form a bond with that person so that you're both stronger for it."

"Do me a favor, Tai." Matt said suddenly. "Give me one example of a time when you've been weak. Show me one time in this life when you've needed me to make the difference in something."

Almost a full three minutes elapsed before Tai finally shrugged helplessly. "I can't think of anything."

"Exactly. Because as much as you love me, I don't make you anything more than what you are. I'm not a strength or a weakness to you, Tai. If anything, I'm a burden. I'm too dependent on you and I always have been. I don't want to be. I want to be…strong, I guess. Strong enough to know that no matter what happens, I can depend on myself."

"Love isn't like that, Yama. You love so that you don't _have_ to depend on yourself for everything. Loving someone means having enough faith that they'll be there for you when you can't handle everything on your own."

"That was the problem to begin with!" Matt's voice rose in agitation. "When I needed you most, you weren't there for me!" Several seconds of stunned silence followed the question. Matt licked parched lips. 

"I'm sorry. That was low."

"It's true. I waited too long." Tai swallowed and drew in a deep breath. There were tears in his eyes. 

The blond smiled grimly. "If I let you in right now, and forget about all the risks involved, I'd be doing us both a disservice." He paused before continuing in a softer tone, "I would rather have a day with you in which I feel that we are equals, than to spend five years trying to convince myself that I wasn't taking the easy way out again."

"I'd rather have the years, but I won't argue with you." Tai bit his lip. "If you push me away now, Matt, we may never have another chance. Please don't. You're stronger than what you think. You told me to leave. You asked me that _for you_. To be able to ask for something for yourself is a strength, Yama."

Around them, the concert hall was silent, testimony that they were alone in the building. Tai walked forward slowly, until they were close but not touching. Neither spoke for several moments. Finally, Tai leaned forward, pressing his forehead against Matt's. 

Tai swallowed hard, closing his eyes in a last attempt to stem his tears. "I love you, Yamato."

Blue eyes closed as well and Matt wrapped Tai in a tight hug. "I love you, too."

"Is this where you tell me that I have to let go of you again?" Tai wondered briefly if he could exercise his right to refuse. The blonde felt right being in his arms. It was wonderful to have a chance to hold him.

"I don't think it would do me any good. You didn't listen to me the last time." Matt managed to hold back the tears in his own eyes. "I have to be able to do this, Tai. I can't explain it; I don't know how. I just know that if I can't be apart from you now, I'll never be as strong as I can be."

"I think you're an insane hateful bastard who is really just trying to get back at me for calling you fat." Tai joked weakly. He pulled back slightly, loosening his hold. "I really want to hate you right now. You waited until you'd said you love me before you ripped my heart out, and then you expect me to do you the favor of leaving you in peace."

"I'm sorry, Tai."

"For what?" Tai asked. He shook his head without letting the blonde answer. "Don't be. You're not doing anything wrong, Yama. You have every right to decide what's best for you. Just…you know…as soon as you think you're strong enough, I expect to find you on my doorstep."

"I promise." Matt was quick to agree as the hands that had moved to Tai's waist dropped to hand limply at the blonde's side. Tai looked at him for a moment longer, and then turned and walked away. When he was out of sight around the corner, Matt slumped against the wall, wiping angrily at the one errant tear that had managed to escape from his eye. 

~~~~~_____~~~~~

__

And as the band did play your body I did cradle

I should have known that song would have to end

In a perfect world, Tai would have managed to get three feet away from Matt before the blonde realized that letting him walk away was a mistake. In a world a little less perfect, Matt would have been waiting on the doorstep of the Yagami apartment. Barring that, the blonde would have knocked five point two seconds after Tai got home.

In a perfect world, Tai wouldn't have spent the entire night and the small hours of the morning going over their conversation and thinking of different arguments, more persuasive words, anything that might have kept Matt with him. Because, they'd both been wrong.

__

'Give me one example of a time when you've been weak. Show me one time in this life when you've needed me to make the difference in something.'

'I can't think of anything.'

There was something that Tai needed... one place where he could be considered weak. Just what, or rather, _who_, that is, was pretty obvious. The sun had not yet risen when Tai fell asleep at the table, head filled with grand speeches to woo back Matt, the person he needed the most.

In a perfect world, Tai would have gotten to school the next day on-time. But he didn't, and perhaps, because of the way things turned out later, that's why we should be thankful that we're not living in a perfect world.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

The current period's teacher was not unkind, but she was firm in her decision. As punishment for missing almost half the school day, Tai would have to clean the entire classroom by himself after school in place of the usual room monitors. He briefly cursed himself for bothering to come in that day when he woke up late, but then he remembered why he had: he didn't want to miss the chance of seeing Matt at school today. _If Matt wants to be so strong, why isn't he here at school, toughing it out?_ No sooner did the grumbled words flicker through his mind, then did Yamato Ishida step through the door.

"I'm sorry I'm late," the blonde said.

"Do you have an excuse?" the teacher asked.

He wasn't sick, at least in any of the ways that counted in a school. Matt looked down. "No, sensei."

"Ishida-san, you will be cleaning the classroom after school with Yagami-san. Take your seat."

Tai suppressed a wave of anxiety and then settled down to wait out the rest of the day. Matt didn't spare him a single glance.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

Things weren't quite going as smoothly as Tai had hoped they would. Matt stubbornly refused to speak. The cleaning was completed and Matt was ready to leave. Nothing Tai had said had made an impact. Determined, the brunette blocked the exit as the blonde approached. He didn't like the tactic, but trapping Matt had worked once before, and he could only hope that his luck held out.

The blonde stopped two feet from the door, his head tilted down. He knew that he couldn't leave without going through Tai, but he wasn't sure if he was up to the physical battle that that would entail.

"Matt, please listen to me. This is important." Matt's eyes lifted wearily to Tai's face. Tai swallowed, knowing that if he blew this chance... well, he really didn't want to think of the alternative. "I know that you feel like us being together would hurt whatever you've built for yourself. But I don't want to be without you. I've been there, I've done that, and I don't want to have to go through life without you right there with me. I was wrong. You asked me if there was one time in this life that I was weak without you, when you made the difference and I couldn't think of anything at the time.. You were wrong when you assumed that there wasn't. You make the difference everyday just by being alive. Yougive me something that no one else can. You give me _you_, and that is something that I don't think I could honestly live without. Can you tell me that you don't want to be with me?"

A look of misery tore across Matt's face and the blonde looked away. "How am I supposed to answer that?"

Rather than touch the other young man's face, Tai circled around him, moving so that as long as Matt didn't shift again, they would be looking into each other's eyes. "Forget it," Tai said softly. 

Matt's eyes widened in shock and he began to back away from Tai. Tai gave an embarrassed smile as he reached out and trailed a fingertip down Matt's forearm and let it rest on his wrist. The gesture wasn't a command to stay, but a request.

"I'm sorry," Tai apologized. "That didn't come out right. I think I've used up all my eloquence for today. What I meant was, forget everything. Forget the bulimia, forget the time we spent in the cabin, forget being a rock star. Forget it and just remember you and me. Forget it and then tell me what you want."

In his mind, Matt struggled with Tai's words. _Forget it all? Being a star has always been my dream and I've worked hard for it. I never had friends until then…except for you. And then in the cabin… I was happy that you had noticed me, that you were taking care of me. Even the bulimia — it was awful, but I learned from it. _How could he forget it all? _We never had the chance . . ._ ". . . to live a normal life." Matt ignored Tai's surprised look at the half-spoken words. _We never got to be just us... there was something always there in the way. I want that for us. . . a normal life._

"Matt, I didn't want to say this before because it's going to hurt you. And I don't want to do that. But I think I have to. You asked me to leave because being with me made it okay for you to be weak. And that's true. It _is_ okay for you to be weak every once in a while, because I'll be there to help you. And I hope that when I need the favor returned, you'll be there for me." 

Matt looked up then, and Tai pressed on. "Just because you have moments of weakness doesn't mean that you're a weak person. Matt, you're one of the strongest people that I know and I'm not going to let you be weak now. Running away, not trusting yourself, not even daring to try — that's what's weak. You're so important to me that I promised I would do as you asked, and I did. I walked out that door. But I'm not going to walk away from you. If you really don't want us to be together, you're gonna have to be the one to get up and walk away on your own two feet. I'm not going to do that for you. You have to be the strong one now."

Tai licked his lips nervously and spoke for the last time, "So, what are you going to do?"

Matt didn't answer for a moment, looking between Tai and the door. "I'm going to get up," he said as a tear leaked down his cheek.

~~~~~_____~~~~~

__

'I'm going to get up.' 'I'm going to get up.' 'I'm going to get up.' Tai closed his eyes as the words echoed through his head. Heart and mind spinning, he let his head fall back to rest against the wall. He had so many different emotions and thoughts he wasn't quite sure if he was happy or sad with Matt's decision. He tried to feel joy at Matt's strength, he tried to feel pain for the coming separation, but all he could do was listen to the wordless cry emerging from deep within his soul. 

Tai's eyes snapped open; a warm and somewhat moist cheek was pressed against his own. Matt's head moved to rest on the brunette's shoulder and Tai was embraced tightly. "Yama?" he questioned, barely trusting his senses.

Matt nuzzled closer against Tai. "You're not the only one who's been doing some thinking. I've considered what you said last night and what you said today, and I wanted to say thank you, my love." His whisper gusted heated air against Tai's bare neck. "I'm stronger now."

Tai gave himself a moment to remember the fear, the doubt, the emptiness that had almost swallowed him, then pushed it away forever as he returned the embrace. "I love you, Yama."

Matt nodded in acknowledgement as best he could from his current position. "I love you, Taichi." He squeezed Tai tighter. "If I . . . if I promise to stay strong, will you promise me something?"

"Anything."

"Anything?" Matt raised his head with a mischievous smile. "Even after what almost happened the last time?"

Taichi looked into the sparkling cerulean eyes and kissed Matt on the lips. "Anything, Yama," he repeated.

"Stay with me. Don't let me go."

"I promise. The only way I'm leaving is if you make me go. And..." Tai playfully slugged Matt in the arm. "I'd say that you'll need at least six months of training to attempt that."

"Oh yeah?" Matt grinned a challenge as he threw a mock-punch into Tai's stomach. "I seem to recall a certain wild-haired Yagami being thoroughly trounced up in the woods, not that long ago."

A brown eyebrow arched. "Ah, well, that's because that Yagami didn't have permission to do this." Tai whirled Matt around and lightly pinned him against the wall.

"Do what?" Matt breathed. 

Tai nuzzled his neck, smiling into the pale, smooth skin. "To hold you. To kiss you. To love you."

"I want to make something clear before you start doing any of that." Tai drew back, waiting patiently for the blonde's words. He felt that he could afford to listen now, since Matt seemed happy enough being in his arms. "I don't _need_ you, but I _want_ you around."

"Thanks, now who's feeding the ego?" Tai leaned closer again, brushing his lips against Matt's throat. "I love you, Yama."

"I think you like to say that," Matt teased softly, closing his eyes with a smile. He felt Tai's lips move from his throat to his chin, and then to the corner of his mouth.

"Get used to it."

Matt smiled, his eyes bright. "I think I'm strong enough to handle that."


End file.
